OPTIMIST — “The glass is half full.”
PESSIMIST — “The glass is half empty.”
REALIST — Drinks the water and gets on with his life.
SURREALIST — “Whoa. It’s an octopus.”
IDEALIST — “Water! Nectar of the gods!”
CAPITALIST — “So, how much can we get for selling this?”
ENVIRONMENTALIST — “Put the glass down! The water is filled with chemicals! Let’s tie ourselves to trees in protest!”
ACTIVIST — “Damn the man! Break the glass! Show them we mean business!”
PACIFIST — “Do what you want with the water, just don’t hurt me.”
ME — “Screw water, I need something with caffeine. I have a 20-page paper due tomorrow morning and I haven’t started it yet.”
The God Hour
That’s right, it’s 2:00 AM. I haven’t the slightest idea how this got started, but while I was an undergrad, John (my roommate for three years) and I would occasionally start thinking deep thoughts about God, the universe and whether those little Listerine strips will still freshen your breath if they get stuck to the roof of your mouth. Like I said, deep thoughts. And this would almost always happen sometime between 2:00 and 3:00 in the morning.
Continue reading “The God Hour”
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Word Play
I know, I’m stealing material from another source, but I felt the need to share. If anyone who submitted these quotes to the Mensagenda wants credit, just post a notice and you’ll get the props you deserve. If you’re lying about submitting these quotes, I’ll post a notice and you’ll get the anti-props you deserve. Plus your nose will grow really long. And I’ll tell your parents and you’ll get a serious paddlin’ when you get home. Continue reading “Word Play”
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I figured out what the problem is
Looking back at the (short) list of entries up to this point, I now know why I’ve been producing so little output—I’m spending too much time getting ready to write instead of just writing.
Back in college, I had a plan; after school was over, I had a journal. I made a lot more entries into those because I let myself write freestyle. I wasn’t concerned about what message I might be trying to get across or how the punchline would integrate with the rest of the story/article/piece of crap I threw together while trying to avoid studying for an exam. It worked out just fine back then and I’m now determined to make it work again. It might not, but dammit, I’m willing to try. At least that way, the span of time that it took to fill the opening page won’t be almost half a year. Continue reading “I figured out what the problem is”
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Democracy In Action
For those of you who have checked out the link to The Opinion listed below, you probably noticed that starting last year, the newspaper had a steady stream of issues coming out almost every month as opposed to every season. This year, however, the school had a budget crisis that could have shut down the printed version of the paper altogether. Thankfully, the money we needed was provided due to democracy in action. Meaning I haven’t the slightest idea what happened. Continue reading “Democracy In Action”
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Jesus Christ, Frat Guy
Superstar, Frat Guy, what’s the difference? I’m not sure. I mean, I can see Elvis in either position—he was obviously the King, but he also had a tendency to get smashed on booze, drugs and cheeseburgers. Or maybe it was pizza, in which case all he’d need to do was be enrolled in a college and go on tour instead of attending classes.
So maybe there isn’t a difference, in which case this script seems very appropriate. Even though he’s not the King, The Son might not be that much different. Cheeseburgers and pizza might not have existed during his time, but he definitely spent a lot of time on tour.
Continue reading “Jesus Christ, Frat Guy”
