Category: Musings

This is how the most recent email message that got sent to my spam folder started:

“Each time I miss you, a star falls down from the sky. So, if you looked up at the sky and found it dark with no stars, it is your entire fault. You made me miss you too much!”

Isn’t that tragic? I feel awful when I think of what I must have done to this girl’s heart. Until I look at the message again and realize that it was sent to four different people. Takes the sting off every time…

It all started this morning/afternoon when my alarm went off and I decided I was still kinda tired. I reached over, pushed the “set alarm” button, then the “hour” button—according to past experience, that was supposed to make the radio turn itself back on in another hour. I’m still not sure what happened, but when I woke up three hours later… Continue reading “More than I expected”

You know how sometimes you watch movies and know the girl shouldn’t walk through the open doorway saying “Hello?” because the psycho killer is waiting to jump out and strangle her? There’s another situation that just bugs the hell out of me every time I see it: somebody gets a gun, points it at the psycho killer and yells, “Don’t come any closer!” When he keeps coming closer, they can’t bring themselves to kill him and freak out, he knocks the gun out of their hands, then pushes them through a door where another psycho killer strangles them.

Seriously, if you can’t back up a threat, why make one at all? Why not just say “Walk slower so I feel like this is accomplishing something!”? Personally, I think that if you’re ever in that situation, start off the same way: “Don’t come any closer!” If the psycho killer does come closer, shoot him in the knee. When he falls down, the likelihood of him moving towards you drops significantly. (It won’t protect you from the second psycho killer waiting behind the door, but take things one step at a time.)

Perhaps he starts crawling closer if he’s really psycho or really pissed because he had dance lessons in an hour. Time to shoot him in the arm. Notice that you’re not killing him and thus will have much less blood on your hands afterwards, especially if you shoot him from several yards away.

If he runs out of limbs and keeps wiggling in your direction, well, he’ll certainly have more difficulty knocking the gun out of your hands. Or keeping you from running past his squirming body to call the cops. Or preventing you from kicking him a couple times on the way. Or stopping you from picking him up and throwing him through the doorway toward the other psycho killer. They’d fight it out, teeth versus strangling hands… and hey, you might even have enough time to pop some popcorn and watch the show.

I’ve been playing a game on Facebook recently called Vampire Wars. (I humbly ask that the three of you who read this don’t decide to join Facebook just so you can be my “friends”—I try to limit the number to people I know and associate with, not just “my faithful readers who I love whole bunches (but not quite that much)”). One of the fun things you can do is attack other vampires in the game and make your victims hate the virtual you, which may carry over to the real you if they ever find your name and address. Claws, fangs, baseball bats… they all draw blood, bitch!

But there was one vampire I was attacking who… it was odd. The game will glorify your evil efforts by declaring, “You WON the fight!” You know, just in case “You won the fight!” doesn’t seem glorious enough. It then says how much damage your opponent did to you and how much damage you did in return. This particular vampire… I attacked him multiple times. During a couple of those fights, he dished out negative damage.

I would attack with 97 hit points left, I “WON the fight!” and suffered -1 damage—my hit points were now at 98. It was like I was being attacked by someone who had Band-Aids at the ends of his claws, patching up my wounds every time he took a swing. That doesn’t sound very evil, does it? Nor does “You TRIED TO KILL SOMEONE WHO PERFORMED A GOOD DEED FOR YOU DURING the fight!” sound very glorious.

I felt awestruck, amused, thankful… not enough of the last one to actually send a “Thank you” message. For all I know, the guy’s vampire was trying to trick me into giving up my name and address so he could deliver a Louisville Slugger of Hate in person and I’m pretty sure those suckers don’t cause negative damage.

My mom was looking for a new car over the course of the last week, visiting different dealerships and checking out various brands, models, etc. As many of you may know, car salesmen are renowned for being sneaky and manipulative to get more money out of you. (Many of you may also know that law school graduates are soulless creatures who are sneaky and manipulative when they use their blogs to get all of your money… but I don’t want to reveal my evil plans just yet, Mr. Bond.) My point is that during my parents’ extended shopping spree, there were several times when my dad took a load of car salesman bull and threw it right back in their faces. He’s awesome. Continue reading “Why my dad is smart”

We were talking about global population in Environmental Biology today and how both the birth rate and the percentage of people with STDs has exploded in Third World countries in part because of the lack of sexual education. Apparently, it’s not just Third World countries. These are direct quotes from kids in the class:

The rate of AIDS in the U.S. is currently increasing the most in homosexual males. “Again?!”

AIDS is mostly passed on through sexual intercourse. “No way…”

Creepy student with a crush on the professor: “I’d like to tap her resources.”