Category: Musings

Earlier in the week, we had a combination of rain and snow, then three days with high temperatures in the teens. I haven’t spent much time outside the house—I like my testicles hanging outside my abdominal cavity, thank you very much. Naturally, the weather led to some nasty consequences. Here’s a conversation I had earlier this afternoon:

Dad: Have you got an ice scraper in your car?
Me: I’m not sure, lemme check.
[Insert grunting sounds]
Dad: What’s wrong?
Me: I can’t get the door open.

Yep, the rain froze the car completely shut. I tried pulling the handle with both hands, pounding around the edges of the door to loosen it up… nothing. I eventually got a jug of hot water to melt the ice and a wooden slat to slide around the edges and pry the bastard open. Once that worked, I wiped off the door (it would have been pretty sad if I’d let the water sit there and freeze the door shut again), then went driving for about twenty minutes. With the motor running and the heat going full blast, I managed to get the ice on the windows to melt, all four doors to open, the trunk and hood to pop… now I just have to remember to drive around the block once in a while to make sure my car doesn’t turn into a giant metal ice cube again.

Product Name REALITY TV

Category Episodic

Union Status Non-Union

Run(Usage) Casting starts week of Nov 14th

Rate $500 daily

Production Company Double D Productions

Callback Note If approved, usually 2 week callback wait time

Audition Dates Starting Week of Nov 14th…

Audition Location
Glendale Studios
121 Lexington Ave
Glendale CA 91203

Project Notes
Do you want to be on a new hot Playboy show??? Are you wild, uninhibited and se*ually free??? If you’re single and between the ages of 21-35 we would love to hear from you.

The show will be about 2 hot guys and 2 hot girls spending a 24 hour period in a gorgeous luxury mansion to see where it leads. This is NOT P0RN, there is nothing expected……it is a REAL REALITY show with 4 hot singles looking to explore their wild side. It is Playboy so you must be very comfortable with your body and nu d ity…basically we want the types that would jump in a pool n a k e d because they love their body and they are proud of it!

Each person will be paid $500 for the 24 hour period and all expenses paid. We look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks, Ron

Audition Note

Do you want to be on a new hot Playboy show??? Are you wild, uninhibited and s e x u a l l y free??? If you’re single and between the ages of 21-35 we would love to hear from you.

The show will be about 2 hot guys and 2 hot girls spending a 24 hour period in a gorgeous luxury mansion…

I just thought of a great pair of men’s novelty underwear: breathalizer boxers. Get a pair of underwear, write “Breathalizer” on the crotch, then add this two-step process:

1. Insert into mouth.
2. Blow.

I was sitting in the family room trying to study (as per my usual routine nowadays) and not being terribly effective (as per my usual routine nowadays) when I heard a loud *WHUMP* on the roof. I figured that with the strong wind we’ve been having today, it was a really big branch that got blown off a tree.

I thought about getting up on the roof to check it out. Then I remembered that the wind was strong enough to blow really big branches off of trees and there were still really big branches hanging over the roof of the house, so it probably wouldn’t be in my best interest to get up on the roof and stand underneath them.

I spent almost the entire day sitting in front of textbooks studying and it sucked. It’s one thing to study, but to devote over eight hours to it sans e-mail, coworkers, a water cooler… not even a pet gecko to talk to! I felt like bouncing off the walls a couple times… okay, a lot of times… but that’s what Spider Solitaire is for. To celebrate, I’m just going to babble for a while and see where I end up. Just because I can. (And for those of you who may be concerned, there were no drugs involved in this “Dramatization. Not an actual demonstration of Shawn’s intellectual capabilities.” It might seem like it—I can’t say, I haven’t written anything yet—but no need to hide the women and children. Just your pet geckos.)

Now it’s time to contemplate the existence of my can of Dr. Pepper. It’s in a pretty little can, it tastes… like Dr. Pepper… and it’s got caffeine in it. Shit. Maybe this babbling will be influenced by drugs. Well, tough noogies—I’m not going to head to the bathroom and toss my cookies just to make that earlier statement true. And I’m especially not going to toss my cookies because I haven’t eaten any since the middle of last week. And I don’t have any hidden away in my desk drawers to nibble on, either. The geckos already ate them.

Given the prevalence of hurricanes in the last couple weeks, I send out both hopes to the survivors and giggles to Scorpions, an 80’s heavy metal group that sang “Rock You Like A Hurricane.” I would just loooove to see rock stars getting thrown through all the windows in a huge glass skyscraper… But what would happen when you run out of musicians? Do you start making tiny instruments, taping them to arachnids and try smashing stuff up with those instead? They’d bounce off! Maybe if hurricanes were made up of fast-moving scorpions with plastic guitars attached, we’d all be better off.

I’m feeling kinda hungry. I’d say I have an empty stomach, but is it ever really empty? Wouldn’t that require a black hole in the pit of your gut or something? A pool of nothingness that would suck you into yourself—you’re sitting in the restaurant, your waitress brings your food, but you’re not there anymore and she’s pissed off because you ordered the biggest possible meal (not surprising, given the total vacuum inside of you) and she’s getting shafted for the tip! That’s it—if you ever have an empty stomach, stay home. Collapsing into your own pool of nothingness is just fine, but why bother someone else with your personal problems? Especially when the landlord comes by to demand the rent after three months and you haven’t been around to clean the dishes in the sink from your last meal… man, you’re being so self-centered by letting yourself get so hungry…

In closing, here’s a quote from my former roommate, John Sherck. We were talking about the bar exam, I said I hated essays and he was horrified! Me, who majored in both English and Philosophy! When I clarified that I meant legal essays, he sympathized—”You give them an artiste of words and they want a fucking dictionary.”