It’s expensive being a free spirit.

I would have liked to make this a longer entry, but spending the night at a hotel while my laptop is sitting at home, wistfully waiting for my return… not gonna happen. Using my phone to write this could completely bastardize my spelling and grammar (not that I make a point to use proper grammar in the first place), so I might as well limit the suffering for all parties involved.

That said, for those of you driving in the sleet/snow mix that’s going to be freezing overnight, be careful. Lakeville has tried adding a stoplight to the concrete section of a divided highway’s intersection. My mom and I drove by that spot this morning, saw some skid marks in the snow and an annoyed city worker told us it had been smashed into “about fifty pieces.” For the second time since they tried installing it. So be careful, okay?

Facebook, set thy giraffes free!

I go out of town for the weekend and look what happens! Someone comes up with this “challenge” on Facebook, which sounds awesome and hilarious and results in a whole lot of giraffe profile pictures. (If nothing else, it speaks to the integrity of people who come up with the wrong answer.)

Here’s the premise:

I’ve had to change my profile picture to a giraffe. I tried to answer a riddle and got it wrong. Try “The Great Giraffe Challenge.” The deal is, I give you a riddle, if you get it right you get to keep your profile picture, you get it wrong and you change your profile picture for the next 3 days. MESSAGE ME ONLY SO YOU DON’T GIVE AWAY THE ANSWER!!!

RIDDLE: 3:00am, the doorbell rings and you wake up, unexpected visitors, it’s your parents and they’re there for breakfast. You have strawberry jam, honey, wine, bread and cheese. What is the first thing you open?

And the answer is… Continue reading “Facebook, set thy giraffes free!”

An odd choice of footage from MasterChef

“It’s boarding school pudding at best” followed by a thumbs-down and a raspberry.

“Wow.”
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That brief exchange between Marie Porter and Joe “Weaselly Little Shit” Bastianich was the full extent of her fifteen minutes of reality TV fame (unless she still hasn’t learned her lesson). And no, she hasn’t abandoned the nickname “Joey Coattails”, but as you’ll note in the video below, she prefers calling Joe a “weaselly little shit” now:

Seriously, though, I’m really confused as to why the producers decided to include that clip in the episode. Yes, it was Joe acting like a douche, but it just doesn’t seem to fit the character “Joe” who normally appears on the screen (at least according to my very limited viewing experience). If I’m misreading something here, please point it out because I’m just confused.

Joe’s rejection: They didn’t show him giving the death stare or sneering or spitting Marie’s mango mojito upside-down cake (instructions in the video) into the sink. It was just “It’s boarding school pudding at best,” then thumbs-down with the raspberry. Given that Joe is a judge on MasterChef, I assume the producers want him to look like a sophisticated restaurateur and winery owner… do sophisticated people normally show their disapproval by giving food the raspberry?

“Raspberry? I hate raspberry! Only one man would dare give me the raspberry… and he’s a weaselly little shit!” (My apologies to Mel Brooks for writing that.)

Marie’s response: “Wow.” I could see that interpreted in two ways, the first of which is “I can’t believe he doesn’t like my cooking.” The second (and much more likely in my mind) is “I can’t believe such a pompous, overbearing person would make such a childish, immature gesture.”

Hence, my confusion. It doesn’t seem like that five seconds of footage fits within what I’ve seen of Joe’s normal behavior on that show. “Boarding school pudding at best”? Exceptionally douchey. I can imagine him saying that to his mother (especially since she’s the one who put him through boarding school).

But the raspberry? Who does that? Little kids, that’s who. Joe acted like a little kid. Did the producers think putting that one insult on TV was worth damaging his supposedly intimidating bad-ass reputation? Or maybe people in the editing booth decided to commit an act of sabotage because they think Joe is a weaselly little shit, too.

We’re Number 12! We’re Number 12!

Okay, maybe that’s a bit premature, but just a few hours ago, the Minnesota House of Representatives voted 75-59 to pass a bill legalizing gay marriage. If it gets through the Senate and is signed by Governor Dayton, we’d be the 12th state in the U.S. to do so. (Kinda weird to think that in November, we were voting about a provision to the state constitution defining marriage as “man and woman.”) I’ve said before that I don’t like talking about politics here, but I did a little research and found a few things that may or may not be enlightening:

1) The voting was almost split down party lines, Democrats for and Republicans against. Almost. As it turned out, two Democrats and four Republicans crossed the proverbial carpet. Dems had the House majority, so the legislation was already likely to pass, but the fact that the vote wasn’t decided exclusively according to party lines is at least mildly refreshing.

2) They passed an amendment to add “civil” to “marriage” in the bill, which I think is a great decision. If a particular church or organization chooses not to marry a couple, they can’t be punished for refusing to do so. Some people may complain that “civil” is irrelevant because marriage is a religious institution, but while I understand their point, there’s a problem they likely don’t know, haven’t considered or blatantly ignore.

3) There are 1,138 federal laws and 515 state laws in Minnesota granting specific rights to married couples that are unavailable to gay couples. 1,653 laws. Think about how big that number is. If you assigned each law to a day on a calendar, that calendar would be four years and four months long and none of them can apply to gay couples in Minnesota because they can’t get married.

So that’s the scoop of the hour. House Representatives made their votes for various reasons, not all of which were their political affiliation. They chose to legalize civil gay marriage, so regardless of your beliefs about them being loved or damned in the eyes of God, this decision was more about granting gay couples the same rights in the eyes of the law. Welcome to being Number 12, kids.

Barbie’s chiropractor must be raking in the dough

A quick note about trivia at the Green Mill in Lakeville on Thursday nights: it’s broken into two halves and the team with the highest score for the first half gets two drinks courtesy of the MC. If there’s a tie, he summons a representative from each team to the bar and asks them a tie-breaker question. It doesn’t change anyone’s score, but that’s how they determine who gets the drinks. This was the most recent tie-breaker:

If a Barbie doll was a life-sized person, what would her bra cup size be?

Both people whispered their answers in his ear and I guessed at our table that she’d need an F. [Insert quiet drum solo here.] The MC announced that one person had guessed C and my jaw dropped. The other one? B. Not the first letter of her name, her bra size. I was dumbfounded. Flummoxed. Flabbergasted, even!

I mean, I wasn’t a big Barbie fan when I was a kid (at least that’s what I’m telling you), but He-Man’s pecs were larger than a B! There is no way that Mattel would make toys based on gender stereotypes and give a masculine sword-wielding dude bigger boobs than a subservient woman!

Then the MC revealed the answer: Barbie would need a double-F cup. When looking for a website to confirm that answer just now, I found some other disconcerting measurements: she has child-size 3 feet, a body-mass index (BMI) so low she’d be biologically incapable of menstruation, a head so big it’d snap her neck in two… body proportions that all women should aspire to, especially since they can get you free drinks at Green Mill on Thursday nights.

The Science of Fear

I made a reference to my Senior Speech a while ago and I wish I had a copy somewhere because it’s pretty relevant given what happened at the Boston Marathon yesterday.

For my first three years of high school, I had planned to pick a topic that would make people laugh and there’d be glowing smiles throughout the auditorium when I was done. (Yes, there was a lot of laughter when I blurted “BLEEAAAHH!” into the microphone, but I hadn’t written that part down.) My eventual topic was something very close to my heart, but not in a good way: I talked about fear.

All throughout school, I was horribly shy. My only date in high school was my senior prom, which I was pressured into attending by my parents. (I love them to pieces, but they had no idea how little I wanted to go until years later.) In the weeks following their decision, I managed to ask one girl if she’d go with me—a Brazilian foreign exchange student—but she already had a date. As a result, I was set up with one of my older brother’s friends. Who got back together with an ex-boyfriend several days before prom. Nope, not an awkward experience at all.

By avoiding most social situations, it was easier for me to limit the potential for agonizing shame if I made a foolish mistake when interacting with others. That’s a long sentence with big words that can be narrowed down to “I was afraid of looking stupid.” There were a handful of us my senior year who labeled ourselves “The Outcasts” because we didn’t really fit in with any other social group. I felt more comfortable there, but not completely comfortable: one of the girls asked me to the Sadie Hawkins dance that year (girls would ask the guys) and I panicked. I told her I had a debate tournament that day, which was true. The whole truth was that debate tournaments finish in the afternoon, so I could have gone to both with no trouble.

I’m not trying to make a laundry list of social awkwardness for you all, but we’re almost back to my point here. Those of us on the debate team were always scheduled to give our speeches at the beginning of the school year, so I didn’t have a lot of time to bounce topics around in my head. Who knows, maybe I would have convinced myself to talk about something else if I’d had another few weeks to think about it, but I ended up latching on to the one thing that had been consistent during my existence in high school: fear.

Mind you, I didn’t just walk up to the microphone and say, “You people scare the hell out of me.” I ended up talking about how effectively Nazis kept people in check: occasionally search a few houses at random for Jews. My introduction was about a study where scientists put some electrodes on rats and would shock them from time to time. When the rat pushed a pedal, the shock would stop. Rats that got zapped on a regular schedule—say, once every four hours or something—would be ready to step on the pedal and didn’t get shocked very much.

As for the rats that got zapped at random times… their health deteriorated, their hair fell out and they would step on the pedal. A lot. All the time.

Apply that to the citizens in Germany in the 30’s and 40’s. They might have lived peacefully most of the time, but once in a while, a group of soldiers would enter someone’s house and trash the premises, all in the name of searching for Jews. It could happen later today, tomorrow, next week. It could happen to your friends, family, neighbors… it could happen to you. People were scared, they cowered and they lived in fear.

Part of the conclusion of my speech was a list of people in modern times who might be afraid and I almost slipped “or giving your Senior Speech” in there. Almost. I didn’t because I didn’t want to make light of the speech. When everyone was laughing before, I was telling the room, “Okay, calm down, this is a serious speech.” I wanted it to stay serious. No one knew it, but I was baring my soul behind that podium. Making a joke like that at the end may have been clever, but… it was a serious speech.

Why did I just burden all of you with these really depressing stories about my youth? It’s because of this:

TERRORISM 101: FEAR IS AWESOME

Truthfully, the bombs that exploded near the finish line of the Boston Marathon were pretty simplistic and/or sloppy if they were terrorist work. They didn’t explode at the same time, two of the four didn’t explode at all… not very effective if you’re trying to scare a nation. But that’s just what explosions like that do: they scare a lot of people.

That’s when a bunch of places go into lockdown, people hide in their basements and they live in fear. It’s better to be safe than sorry. Who knows when the next attack might come? There might never be another bomb, but can you be sure? Of course not!

TERRORISM 201: FDR WAS NOT AWESOME

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” — Franklin Delano Roosevelt

There might never be another bomb, but can you be sure? Of course not! Should people hide in their basements and live in fear? No. Not now, not ever.

We’re never going to stop bad things from happening once in a while, but there are so many more good things that happen all the time. Hell, there were good things happening immediately after the explosions. People braved potential danger to help others, runners went straight from the finish line to the Red Cross to donate blood, locals opened their homes to strangers who needed shelter.

Screw the statistics they’re showing on the news and videos of how horrific the event was. There’s no question that it was tragic; my heart goes out to the victims and their friends and families. Should we focus entirely on that, worry about the next explosion that might never come, ignore all the good things that happened and are continuing to happen? No. Not now, not ever.