A lifetime membership!

I got an e-mail earlier today from American Mensa asking me to renew my membership online now so they could “be green” and not have to send me a notice in the mail later this month. It was apparently a generic message that they send to all members since I scrolled down a little further and discovered that my membership will expire on 3/31/2013 (I apparently paid for three years the last time).

Thus, if the Mayans were right and the world is going to end in 2012, my membership in Mensa is ensured for the rest of my life.

Haters gonna hate

“I hate my cell phone.”

I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard that phrase. “I hate my cell phone.” “I hate this place.” “I hate it when that happens.” Really?

You can probably blame the comedian Louis CK for this blog entry because he had an interview with Conan O’Brien a few years back that felt like a slap in the face. Technology has advanced so much in our lifetimes (especially in yours, all you young ‘uns) and what do we do with it? We use it, we only sometimes enjoy it and we almost always take it for granted.

When I was in Norway with my parents, we bought a new cell phone with some prepaid minutes. We needed it to call people, find out where we were supposed to go to meet them, contact hotels, etc. It came in really handy. When we got home, I wanted to keep it for my own, but the chip inside was related to AT&T’s network. The people at Sprint wouldn’t replace the chip, so I couldn’t use it. Since I couldn’t use it, we gave it to my niece. She was 10. 10 years old with a cell phone! I would never have dreamed of having a phone at that age and some adults almost expect it these days.

Now there are iPhones and Blackberries and various other “smart phones” that you can use to download music, find restaurants, make fart noises and who knows what else. Do people using their phones to watch videos on YouTube think, “Oh my God, this is amazing!” Nope!

I see people trying to send text messages or surf the Internet and sometimes it doesn’t work right… “I hate my phone!” No, you don’t. You may be upset that it doesn’t work, but hate it? Then stop using it. Put it in a desk drawer or hide it from yourself for a month. Or a week. Or even a day. How does it feel? Are you nervous and jittery without it or do you feel better because you hate your phone? I never say it, but I almost always think it: “If you hate your phone so much, get rid of it and see how much you hate it afterward.”

Which is not to say that I’m immune. There are times when I’m doing simple stuff like taking vitamins in the morning. I’ll shake the bottle a little to get one in my hand and it’ll fall on the floor. “God, I hate that.” Really? Do I hate it? No. It’s annoying and inconvenient, but I don’t hate it. I try to make a point to correct myself whenever I think something like that. “That’s so annoying.” And I feel better.

And if you hate something as insignificant as your phone, what does that say about everything else by comparison? What do you think about the Holocaust? If someone killed your parents? Vin Diesel’s acting? “I hate my phone, but I super duper really really really hate that other stuff.”

We’ve been given a lot of gifts in this world and we tend not to notice them. They’ve become a expected part of life. When parts of our lives don’t work, that sucks. Fair enough. Does that mean we should hate them? No. There is very little out in the world that deserves hatred and we should remember to appreciate how much awesomeness is inside these tiny handheld devices that we can hold up to our ears and talk to our friends around the world. Around the world. Isn’t that amazing?

As for Vin Diesel’s acting… like I said, haters gonna hate, but sometimes it’s well-deserved.

Purchased due to a midlife crisis?

I was driving to school yesterday and pulled up behind a flashy looking Audi at a stoplight. (I don’t know what style it was, but suffice it to say the car was flashy.) Why do I think it’s a midlife crisis purchase, you ask? After all, most guys I know talk about getting a Ferrari, a Porsche, a Lamborghini, etc. One of those generic “I don’t really know what’s special about it, but it’s expensive and looks cool” cars.

The reason I think the Audi was a midlife crisis purchase was because of the license plate. As I pulled up behind it at the stoplight, I saw its personalized plate: ACT 2.

They’re advertising WHAT in the Yellow Pages?!

This came out of Verizon’s “superpages”—an alternative to the Yellow Pages that covers three cities—so maybe that’s why they didn’t bother to think about the potential shock that people might suffer if they started randomly flipping through the book.

It had some general information about each city in the first couple pages, then went through the business listings on white pages with a gray bar on the side. Those names are in alphabetical order, whereas the yellow pages are divided into fields of business that also include some advertisements (e.g., the list of Attorneys from pages 25 through 38). It’s easy to find the categories on each page because the upper corner shows what’s included: page 214 covers “Physicians—Pipe.” If what you’re looking for fits within that spread of the alphabet, that’s the page you need to check out.

So I looked at page 1. The first word at the top ([blank]—[blank]) was “Abortion.” It clarified lower on the page that the category was actually “abortion alternatives” and wasn’t advertising abortion services or abortion referrals, but just looking at the top… wow. Now I’m afraid to look through the book anymore because I might find something like a listing on page 214 for a physician who specializes in “abortion alternative alternatives.”

I think Sirius XM is racist

I admit it, sometimes I sing along with the radio while I’m driving. Sometimes it’s been a long time since I’ve heard the song and I get the words wrong. And sometimes the words in the song aren’t the same ones that I remember.

I was listening to the 90s station yesterday and they started playing Everlast’s What It’s Like. They cut out a lot of words. A lot. To the point of silliness. Maybe they’re trying to be overly protective because some of the words aren’t really that offensive. Everlast uses the line “if I find that man, I’m cutting off his ______” and it rhymes with “calls”… is the word “balls” really going to scar anyone for life?

But people might say, “That’s the way the single was released to all the radio stations, of course that’s how it’s going to sound!” If that’s the case, I’d like to present to you Exhibit B: Blessid Union of Souls’ I Believe.

I hadn’t heard that song in ages, so I was happily singing the words I remembered and stumbling through the ones I didn’t. Then it got to the part where the song goes “One day Daddy’s gonna find out she’s in love / with a brother from the streets.” At least those are the words I’d heard on the radio in the past. That’s not what I heard yesterday.

It turns out the phrase they use on the CD is “with a nigger from the streets.” That is what I heard yesterday. So Sirius XM doesn’t like Everlast’s use of the word “balls”, but Blessid Union of Souls singing “nigger” is okay. If you toss out the race card, can anyone else think of a good explanation?

Shaq is retiring… at least I think he’s the one retiring…

I saw a link to this when I was checking my email on Yahoo, so I decided to take a look. I don’t care about the article itself, but I’m a little surprised at their choice of pictures. You’d think that when writing about someone who’s played in the NBA for 19 seasons, they’d use a photo of him and not a teammate from four teams and seven years ago, right?

What a candid photo of Shaq!