I bought some new glasses back in October because on the old pair, the stem just kinda… snapped off. One moment, it was tucked behind my ear. The next moment, it was sitting in my hand. For a week or two, I was fulfilling yet another geek stereotype—I had tape holding my glasses together—but since it was behind my ear, no one could appreciate the irony. Continue reading “Jack my price up!”
Ah, the joys of Myspace…
I was just nailed with an abundance of friend requests on my Myspace page—being the cautious person that I am (Stop snickering!), I always check out each one to see whether they’re legit, especially the ones that don’t have a picture. Tonight, it was a giant clusterfuck of illegitimacy. It made me feel all icky inside except for Jasmine’s page. That one was actually pretty funny… Continue reading “Ah, the joys of Myspace…”
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I want to have babies
I stopped by Rainbow Foods earlier this afternoon and there’s one cool thing about their parking lot: the space that’s closest to the entry has a sign which says “Mother To Be Parking.” Yes, that’s right, even closer than the handicapped parking spaces. (“Screw you and your wheelchair! I had sex three months ago!”) Then again, you could cheat the system: “mother to be” could include an 8-year-old who wants to have kids when she grows up. I’d be impressed if she could work the pedals and park the vehicle properly, in which case she may have earned the right to use the space, but that’s beside the point.
The point is that as I was leaving the grocery store, I walked past the space and saw an SUV there with a personalized license plate. A plate that read “ROGER L”. You know, I got a B in Biology and I don’t remember the textbook ever saying that dudes could bear offspring. The only thing I can think of is that the vehicle belonged to a handicapped person who wanted to stick it to the pregnant women. (“Screw you and your uterus! I haven’t been able to have sex in three years!”) Personally, I wouldn’t take a chance like that. If a pregnant woman ever gets a serious hankering for Cheetos and there’s a guy’s SUV parked in the “Mother To Be” space… the vehicle could quickly end up as handicapped as the driver.
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RIIIIIIIP!!!
I was taking a shower this afternoon to clean off because… well, I needed cleaning off. (That’s usually a constant state for me, but that’s beside the point.) I turned off the water, grabbed my towel and started to dry off. After rubbing down my chest and stomach and other areas for an extensive period of time, I flipped the towel over my head so I could start drying my back.
RIIIIIIP!!!
It took me a few minutes to stop laughing, at which point I finally realized what had happened: There was a loose thread on the hem that snagged my external genitalia and refused to let go as the rest of the towel continued its lengthy journey to the other side of my body. Consequently, the thread was barely holding on at the ends and I started getting a little cocky (pun intended, of course).
“Heh heh… look at the power of my penis! Strong enough to rend fabric! Imagine what it could do to pubic hair!”
Then I realized there might be negative implications as well. I could be walking down the street, some hot girls would see my huge package and instead of appreciating the view, they’d whisper to each other, “He must have gotten a sock caught down there this time.” Damn… another lonely night with only the towel to keep me company.
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Egocentrism and “Confessions”
I wish I could remember why this feeling struck me (ouch!), but a couple days ago, it occurred to me how… self-centered having a blog like this can be. “Look at what I write! See how important it is? It’s worthy of public consumption! You should all read it! I’m so cool, my pee-pee has frostbite!” Okay, maybe that last one is a little extreme, but hopefully, you get the idea. Continue reading “Egocentrism and “Confessions””
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See? No flakes!
I emptied my gym bag a while ago so I could pack for an overnight stay at my little brother’s place. Consequently, strewn about my room are my gym shoes, swimsuit, heart rate monitor and a nut cup that I use to cover my face. Hey, if you’re running on a treadmill and you slip… sometimes it’s worth all the stares as I walk through the locker room… and the gym area… and the hot tub… Continue reading “See? No flakes!”
