Category: Unoriginal Material

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A defendant’s wet dream

The defendant, who was on trial for assault and battery, claimed he barely pushed the victim. The prosecuting attorney, treating this story with derision, aggressively cross-examined the defendant. Finally, the prosecutor invited the defendant to step down from the witness box and demonstrate with the prosecutor how hard he had pushed the victim.

Secretly, the prosecutor assumed that, reacting to the hostility of the cross-examination, the accused would push him fairly hard, thereby guaranteeing his conviction.

The defendant no sooner stepped off the witness stand when he started punching and battering the prosecutor. Finally, after he had given him a righteous thrashing, he turned to the jury.

“I pushed the victim in this case about one-twentieth that hard.”

The jury unanimously acquitted him.

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From Actual Court Records

Defendant: Your Honor. I just want to say that what I did I know was wrong, but I didn’t know the extent to the sentence and stuff.

Judge: You didn’t know what?

Defendant: I didn’t know that I could get involved like this. I thought it was a misdemeanor or something like that, and if I got caught they would just suspend my food stamps for a while and I would go back. I didn’t understand the law. That’s the reason why I have always lived according to the law, but I made a mistake and I’m sorry.

Judge: In other words, you would commit the crime if it was a misdemeanor but not if it’s a felony, is that right?

Defendant: Not if it’s a felony.

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I said I’m fine!

Attorney: At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?

Farmer: That’s right.

Attorney: Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client’s auto hit your wagon?

Farmer: When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I’ve never felt better in my life.

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Furry Logic

Mom bought my little brother a monthly calendar that has some important sayings I felt were important to pass along. (Unfortunately, I can’t include pictures of a really fat, unsuccessful toad or a puffin lifting a mouthful of fish, etc., so try to use your imagination…)

I don’t repeat gossip. So listen carefully.
Anyone can be passionate. But it takes real lovers to be silly.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs — it’s quite possible you haven’t grasped the situation.
Stay in bed — it’s safer.
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If at first you don’t succeed, swallow all evidence that you tried.
Never go to bed mad — stay up and fight.
I am NOT tense. Just terribly, terribly alert.
Be yourself. Nobody is better qualified.
Never eat more than you can lift.
If you leave me, can I come too?