Category: Unoriginal Material

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Reasons to be thankful

I’m adapting this story from a cartoon: the original was about “grace,” but I think it makes a dang good Thanksgiving story. (Unfortunately, I don’t who the artist is, so if any of you know, leave a comment and I’ll provide an additional bit of thanks.)
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A mother sits at a table with a sheet of paper in front of her and a pencil in her hand. “Okay… I’m gonna list five things I’m thankful for today.” She begins writing:

    • That my boss didn’t catch me coming in late.
    • That my car’s not making any funny noises.
    • That my property tax bill isn’t due till next month.
    • That the spot on my good suit came out at the cleaners…

As the mother continues to think, she glances over and sees her daughter with paper and pencil as well. The daughter begins listing out loud:

    • Stars
    • Chocolate
    • Pajamas
    • Dogs
    • Magic tricks
    • Songs
    • Dragonflies
    • Yo-yos…

As the daughter’s list gets longer and longer, the mother proclaims, “I like your list better.”

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To-Do List

(Courtesy of “Too Much Coffee Man,” by Shannon Wheeler)

1. Get paper and pencil.

2. Think about things To-Do.

3. Start writing the To-Do List.

4. Watch the list get really big.

5. Get overwhelmed.

6. Panic.

7. Start doing stuff (that isn’t the stuff you’re trying to do) in order to avoid the stuff that you are trying to do.

8. Have anxiety.

9. Work on list again.

10. Add increasingly impossible things to the list.

11. Think about the things you’ve wanted to do in your life, but haven’t done. Realize that your life is a waste and that achieving even the simplest goals is beyond you.

12. Allow yourself to be filled with shame.

13. Freak out.

14. Spend so much time on the To-Do List that you run out of time to actually do anything.

15. Give up.

16. Go outside. It’s a nice day. Life is short.

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Strange but True

In 1931, a Missouri district attorney offered a few ideas about the appropriate punishment for a man he was prosecuting:

“[He] ought to be shot through the mouth of a red-hot cannon, through a barbed wire fence, and into the jaws of hell before being kicked in the seat of the pants by a Missouri mule and thrown into a manure pile to rot.”

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Damage report

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.

“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”

“Oh my gosh,” replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex?!”