Category: Holidays

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A special gift for Father’s Day

I don’t want to make any jokes about how when men become fathers, they oftentimes have to sacrifice their sex lives so they’ll have more time and energy to take care of their kids. (Initially, I wrote “make sacrifices in their sex lives”, but I’m sure plenty of dads out there would agree with the latter sentiment.) Okay, maybe that was kind of a joke, but that’s not the point.

The point is that if you look at tonight’s TV schedule, NBC is playing the Miss America pageant. It’s Father’s Day and they’re showing attractive young women displaying their attractive young bodies in skin-tight clothing for two hours.

Coincidence? I think not!

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I only care about certain weddings

The Royal Wedding of Prince William and Commoner Kate is not one of them.

Conversely, my little brother Justin married Molly Moilanen on this date three years ago. I talked to him on the phone earlier tonight and he was happy to report, “We made it over the two-year hump, so we should be good for another forty, fifty years.” I hope so for their sakes. Happy anniversary, guys.

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The perfect gift for the love of your life

By the end of the day, we’ll finally be done with Valentine’s Day TV commercials, meaning I’ll see a lot less of Hallmark, jewelry stores… and pawn shops.

That’s right, Pawn America has been trying to cash in as well, offering really, really low prices for earrings, rings, necklaces, etc. I’m sure a lot of men are running to the door, scrambling through the aisles to find the best deal, then running home to give it to their loved ones tonight, right? After all, what says “I love you” more than a gift of jewelry that someone else didn’t want and sold for cash at a lot less than face value?

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You’re lonely and it’s a Monday night

Talk about a double-whammy. Welcome once again to February 14th, “Remember That All Of Your Exes Are Probably Warm And Cozy In Someone Else’s Arms” Day! And because this is a weekday, you have a much smaller window of opportunity for getting drunk in your misery and vomiting all over yourself. Of course, that means there’s also a smaller window of opportunity for your exes to see you lying on the floor covered in your own vomit, thereby making them feel better about their decision to end the relationship.

For those who have loved and lost, I hope you all make it through the day without spontaneously bursting into tears every ten minutes because of your sorrows—it probably makes for a very uncomfortable working environment.

For those who have never loved at all, enjoy buying chocolaty goodness at a 50% discount tomorrow.

And for those of you in a good relationship with your significant other (or two or three others, not counting farm animals), Happy Valentine’s Day. You suck.

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Golden boy for a day

Just wanted to wish my little brother Justin a happy 31st birthday! For those who don’t know what a “golden birthday” is, use the day of the month you were born: he was born on January 31st, so he’s celebrating his golden birthday at age 31 today. My birthday is October 19th, so mine was when I turned 19.

I was going to say that he’s as old as someone can get before reaching their golden birthday, but if you were born on February 29th and Leap Year happens once every four years, you probably won’t get to celebrate yours because you’ll be dead. So… yeah. Like I said, happy birthday, Justin!