Pretty Nice Machine

Some of you reading this are teenagers, some of you were teenagers and some will be teenagers. (If you don’t fit any of those three categories, you have some explaining to do.)

I was a teenager many, many… many years ago. Back then, life was good, but it wasn’t perfect. I suffered through occasional bouts of teen (and the rarely-recognized-but-still-noteworthy twenty-something) angst. When I was in a crappy mood, sometimes I’d put Pretty Hate Machine by Nine Inch Nails into my CD player and feel even crappier. In retrospect, it was probably counterproductive, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

Now that’s gone. The album was always reliable before, but then I found this song on the Internet: Call Me A Hole. Now if I’m stuck in the midst of some even-more-rarely-recognized-but-still-noteworthy thirty-something angst, I’m stuck hearing Trent Reznor’s lyrics swallowed up, then pooped out with pop music in the background. How the hell am I supposed to feel crappier when I’m tapping my toes to the beat? Man, if I wasn’t enjoying the song, I’d be feeling soooooo much angst right now.

[Note: If you follow the link to the website, the song may not play properly. Refreshing the page should solve the problem.]

People’s lips don’t do that in the movies!

I went out to see Red Dawn with some friends on Friday night (thus, yesterday’s last-minute blog entry) and came away with some new-found knowledge that you all might find interesting.

First off, it’s a remake of a movie originally produced in 1984. Back then, the U.S. was invaded by Russians. This time around, it’s the North Koreans. The original version of the remake made China the bad guys, but that was changed shortly before the movie’s release. Why? China was probably like “Hey, don’t make us the bad guys!” and we were like “We’ll do what we want!” and they were like “Don’t make us the bad guys or we’ll sell your country to the highest bidder!” and we were like “Okay, sorry.” (The actual reason is the Chinese likely wouldn’t have released the movie in their country, thereby gashing the production company out of some major profits, so they made the change after all the filming was done.)

That actually made the movie a little more interesting at times. Consider: the invaders wouldn’t bother learning the English language—they let their guns do the talking. Lots and lots of talking. And explosions. There were plenty of explosions, too. But when words were spoken, the movie used subtitles. And since the bad guys were Chinese up until a few months before the movie was released, they were speaking Chinese. When their nationality changed, the movie needed to use voice-overs, too. When Major Badguy starts yelling in the face of Colonel Badguy, you can see that his words don’t match the movement of his lips. With voice-overs and subtitles, I thought it was only a matter of time before troops started pointing to the ocean, yelling, then up pops the subtitle, “GODZILLA IS INVADING CALIFORNIA!!!”

Everyone should take note of this next thing: if people want to kill you, never hide out in a place with only one exit. That’s common sense, really. I mean, if Godzilla ever did invade California and sent a burst of atomic flame breath into the opening of your hideout, it’ll only be a second before you won’t have any lips left for proper voice-overs.

The last bit of knowledge only came because we stayed through the credits. When those were done and the lights came up, I put my jacket on, turned around and saw a couple in the back row that… well, they didn’t realize the credits were over. They never moved as we left the theater and I warned the usher waiting outside that there was a couple in the back row that… well, they didn’t realize the credits were over. We stood outside as he went in and a minute later, two teenagers indignantly stormed out through the door. When he came back out, the usher informed us that it’s extremely awkward to tell people with their lips locked together that the movie is done.

UNDONE: The #madwriting

I’m dragging this entry out from the drafts folder in large part because it’s been there since September of last year. It’s a madwriting blog entry about my being an extra in a movie called UNDONE: The Musical. The result was a pretty decent blog entry length-wise, but also incomplete and I never got around to finishing it—I ran out of steam after 30 minutes plus one paragraph. I’m not sure how many additional details I could recall after so long, so I figure I’ll just post it as is and it’ll make for some good reading. If it doesn’t make for some good reading… at least it’s out of the drafts folder.

As a side note, the producers posted the movie online so the cast and crew could see the final result a couple months ago. I downloaded it onto my computer and still haven’t watched it yet. I’ve only watched three episodes of The Big Bang Theory since a friend loaned it to me, so that might give you an idea of where the movie sits on my list of priorities. But onto the blog entry. I have no recollection of what I wrote and I’m not going to edit it 14 months later, so I imagine we’ll both be surprised at what we read when I hit the “Publish” button.
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This is one of those nights where… it’s like something’s churning just underneath the surface, saying “Hey, lemme out! It’s dark in here! And you smell funny! When’s the last time you took a shower?” And quite frankly, this isn’t the kind of blog entry for answering a question like that. Especially since you probably don’t want to know the answer.

But I’ve felt the urge to write something on here for the last couple days, but there’s been one problem: I ain’t got nothin’ to write about. Thus, Internet silence. Okay, technically, I suppose I could write about being an extra for a movie on Wednesday, but it wasn’t terribly eventful. Eh, I guess there were enough mini-events to make writing about the whole thing worthwhile.

Call time was 9:00am on a weekday. That in itself isn’t such a big deal, but given that I was running on about four hours of sleep and had a cold that started rearing its ugly head last weekend, part of me was tempted to call in sick. However, another part of me reminded myself that I made a commitment and the last time I heard from them, they were already running short. Even if I kicked the bucket on-site, they could at least flop me down on the table with a glass tipped over in my head like I passed out stinkin’ drunk.

It was a legitimate possibility, too. The scene was supposed to be a dance club—wear something formal, but something you can dance in. (I think that’s the wardrobe the e-mail was asking for.) Well, I knew what kind of clothes I’d bring to a dance club… sorta. I can count the number of times I’ve been to a dance club on a couple fingers, but if I did go to one, I knew what I could wear.

So there was a possibility of spending the whole day dancing. That would suck. Not that I mind dancing so much, though that’s not what a friend of mine would suggest. I was telling her about the shoot the night before and kept saying (technically, typing on Facebook) that I’m not automatically going to be dancing. If the director wants me to stand against the wall, I’ll do that. She insisted that I was saying that just because I didn’t want to dance, but I’m a practical extra: my job is to do what I’m told. Within reason. (Carrying a big metal door out of the building isn’t part of being an extra, but that was just being nice. The only down side was that the crew guy who asked for help said he’d buy me a drink later, but by the time “later” came around, he was gone. Shit.)

But as it turned out, “dance club” ended up being more of a bar with an acoustic guitar player in the background. At least that’s the only music that played the entire time I was there. And that was just during the last half hour. Nope, during the rest of that time, we had to create our own atmosphere of a club. With some help from a smoke machine. Did you know that breathing the fumes from a smoke machine off and on for 12 hours is bad when you have a cold? I do now.

That’s something else worth noting. The e-mail said the shoot could take up to 10 hours. The last of us left around 9:00pm, 12 hours later. One dude took off sometime around 3:30pm, which is totally uncool. He had made other plans, but here’s a note for anyone out there who wants to be a movie extra: if you’re gonna help out in a movie, expect to spend a lot of time there. If they say “It could take up to ten hours”, don’t schedule something halfway through. It pisses people off.

Anyway, I got there, then changed into a different shirt that they picked from the outfits I brought (and did it in front of everyone because I try to avoid being self-conscious if I can help it). Not to say that it’s a great view these days, but they all had plenty of time to shield their eyes and look in different directions to avoid dry heaving.

We were upstairs in a bar and the set was downstairs, so they brought us down once in a while for a scene. Honestly, it wasn’t that spectacular. It was a lot of standing, moving around, holding drinks… thankfully, we were usually allowed to whisper instead of “silent talk”—moving your lips without speaking—because I can’t read lips worth a damn. I have to stand there with the other person and flap lips… it’s doable, but it’s annoying. And if it’s necessary for the scene, I get to suck it up and deal. C’est la vie, I guess.

I think I get to do a victory dance for one thing: the director had us do something that I thought was a bad idea and he ended up changing it to what I would have done. Mwa ha ha haaaaa… The scene was that some guy and I got up from the bar to walk toward the bathroom (which was heading directly toward the camera). During the course of our stroll, he turned to look at me, then bumped into one of the main characters so that she spilled her drink. I got to hold my hands up and avoid the scene as much as I could, then cross the camera to where the bathroom was supposed to be.

Part of the fun of that scene was the actress getting bumped would pick various obscenities to blurt out when they collided. You never know when something will really resonate with the audience, so try a bunch of stuff and see what the director likes, right? But I remember the first time because as I was swinging around the actress and crossing in front of the camera, I tried to time it so that I was walking past between her sentences. I didn’t want to be between her and the camera when she was giving an important line, so… yeah, trying to time it over and over doesn’t work so well.

Eventually, the director did what I thought he should: the bathroom “moved” from the right side of the camera to the left side. Instead of crossing in front, we moved away off camera into the corner of the room. It felt a lot better for me, I know that much.

[Incidentally, this is the 30-minute mark, so I hit 1088 words during the official #madwriting surge.]

There was one downside, which was probably unrelated to the direction we walked away from the camera. The first time, the guy bumped her, she turned and yelled out, “DICK!” (He was actually a little shocked when it happened—it was the first non-generic obscenity and she yelled it at him specifically.) She was apparently satisfied with that response, because every time we ran the scene from that point on, that’s all she’d say: “DICK!” A couple different camera angles from just after the collision—the two of us were standing off to the side of the room—and it was always “DICK!” I was starting to think she was obsessing about the “DICK!”, but… okay, I think I’ve beaten the “DICK!” joke to death.

Six Words You Can’t Say on Television

This is something I saw a couple weeks ago, but never got around to writing until now. On Election Night—I promise this isn’t a political post—I decided to watch The Daily Show’s live coverage on Comedy Central. I had no idea what to expect: maybe the show would be on all night and be less ridiculous than some networks that take themselves seriously (CNN, MSNBC, FOX, etc.). The truth is that it was still half an hour long, it still had commercials and it was… sorta live.

During the course of the show, they had a correspondent broadcasting from each party’s headquarters, made possible through the magic of green screens. Yay for magic! Aasif Mandvi was talking about the big celebration in the Romney camp, which they were calling… there were blank spots in the audio as opposed to bleeps, but if they had used bleeps instead, it would have sounded something like this:

*BLEEP* piss *BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

To clarify, Jon Stewart said the audio probably cut out completely because Mandvi had just recited the list of George Carlin’s “Seven Dirty Words”. (I’d write the list on here, but I thought you’d appreciate reading the entire bit plus my grandmother might see this blog entry some day.)

So given the audio feed on Comedy Central, “piss” is now considered acceptable language for television viewers and I’m trying to decide how happy Carlin would be about that. Sure, the list is shorter, but just one word since 1972? What a bunch of *BLEEP*ing squares.

Should I watch The Big Bang Theory?

This isn’t a rhetorical question. I’ve had a handful of friends say it’s my kind of show, I should feel morally obligated to watch it, that fact that I haven’t is the reason why there’s a war in the Middle East, etc. Someone turned up the pressure this week by lending me the Season 1 DVDs, saying that I should include his name when writing my “Thank You” note to all the people who told me to watch it.

Of course, some of these people are the same ones who told me to start watching Lost, a show that I avoided like the plague. The closest I got to watching an episode was when Conan O’Brien hosted the Emmys.

Everyone said it was a great show and I was tempted, but two things held me back. The first is that I don’t like the idea of being addicted to a TV show and having a panic attack if I miss it. The second is that after each season finale, the most common reaction I saw wasn’t “Ooh, I can’t wait to see what happens next time!” It was “What the hell just happened?”

The fact that it’s a sitcom means the second concern likely won’t be a problem, but being addicted… I’m afraid for my life (and whatever portion of it that might be spent sitting in front of a TV with a bag of microwave popcorn in my lap). So I ask you all again for your opinions: Should I watch The Big Bang Theory?

Call me the Glass House weatherman!

Because I predicted a large chance of Andrea-win at the beginning of this final episode, but in the end, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. Hell, as one of the final three, she ended up with the fewest votes, whereas Kevin emerged victorious! Cha-ching!

My mother’s theory for how he pulled out the win? He’s an attractive dude, so he had a majority of the female vote. (She also suggested that females are more likely to watch reality TV than males, but I imagine “Kevin’s a dude” was the more important factor.)

So Kevin took home the grand prize of $250,000; Stephanie came in second with her bribe money of $37,600; Mike gave himself a couple thousand during one of the challenges (he lost the challenge because of it)… Not everyone went home broke, but compared to $250K, a lot of the contestants don’t have much to brag about, especially considering how ABC presented them on TV.

The show is over, so I’m at peace now. Congratulations to Kevin, even though he’s not Steph. Congratulations to everyone else who didn’t get prize money, but still got a lot of national television exposure, even though some of them are jerks. And most importantly, congratulations to all the viewers and voters who survived this train wreck. The Glass House wouldn’t have been the same without you.