First, there was nothing. Then, there was this guy. He didn’t have a name. He decided a name would be good. He called Himself God. And if anyone mentions that He hadn’t created language yet, He will smite them by dropping a piano on their blaspheming heads. Since God was the only thing around, He decided to create something. Unlike the second version of the Creation, the first thing God created was Time. After all, what’s the point of making day and night, seasons or the Super Bowl if you’re trapped in the span of a micro-second? So God made Time and then created the first wristwatch so He wouldn’t miss “ER” on TV after work. Continue reading “Pre-Creation Creation”
Attack of the Killer Uber-Chickens
Kenyon-based Weekly World News
Reporter: Shawn Bakken
It was a sad day in the small town of Podunk, Ohio, several weeks ago when the majority of the Shitkicker Trailer Park returned from a John Cougar Mellencamp concert to find their homes in ruins. Continue reading “Attack of the Killer Uber-Chickens”
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Things That Go “Bump” In The Night
Jimmy knew about the monsters that were in his closet. He knew about the ones that lives under his bed. The entire room was full of them, hidden in one place or another. He might never have known if they weren’t so clumsy. Continue reading “Things That Go “Bump” In The Night”
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Fear the power of Negascrot!
“Okay, the first rule is that you have to have a cool name that strikes fear into the hearts of the bad guys. Ummm…. Okay, how’s this sound? Negascrot! That’s scary, isn’t it?” Continue reading “Fear the power of Negascrot!”
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Déjà vu all over again
Just when I think I’ve escaped from school, I’m back. Sorta. I only stopped by to pick up a transcript for my second effort at the bar exam and decided, “Hey, I need to be back in St. Paul for CPR training in three hours—why spend an hour on the road to head home and back?” So I spent the time in William Mitchell and tried to avoid feeling really, really awkward.
Fortunately, I thought about it beforehand and came here in disguise: I wore my William Mitchell College of Law cap. (It didn’t help that I hadn’t had a haircut in almost two months, but I’m gonna give myself some props anyway…) Armed with my street clothes and cap, I walked in the front door and prepared for the worst. Continue reading “Déjà vu all over again”
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Classic professor quotes
Bet you didn’t know that professors can be good for more than decent grades if you provide the proper sexual favors, did you? Turns out that they can add a little sunshine to an ordinarily dismal day filled with crappy classes that you’d rather sleep through and they’re serving sloppy joes for lunch again. Beginning in my sophomore year at Kenyon, I started jotting down quotes in the margins of my notebooks, comments from professors and students which kept time from stopping and made things a little less unbearable. Continue reading “Classic professor quotes”
