Ancient Philosophy (Joel):
[in the church] Picture these philosophers wearing togas, eating grapes… it’s all… (glancing upward) it’s all b.s….
You could walk up to a cow, hit it in the face and nothing would happen to you.
Rabbits always look nervous. They should be nervous, they’re at the bottom of the food chain.
Here’s Socrates… dies. Here’s Plato, writing.
[holding chalk] Is this a cat? No. (holds his arms out) Is this a cat? …Well, pretend cat.
This course is like eating at Taco Bell—everything comes back up on you again.
Flying in space is like driving toward Columbus with your windows blacked out: somebody tells you to drive for 20 minutes with your speedometer at 55mph and turn right.
If you don’t know the answer, I start spitting on people.
The most important thing you’ll learn in this class: Starbuck’s coffee ice cream is great.
Maybe might doesn’t make right, but just people get their asses kicked.
You’re gonna find out in 5 years that having class in a theater with black cinderblocks causes infertility. (Ancient Philosophy is held in Hill Theater)
I’m gonna tell you a funny story. Of course, nobody’s going to laugh, but it’s funny anyway.
The sky could open up and God could step out and say, “Astrology is right. Hinduism is right. You are all going to hell.”
[after taking off his glasses] Right now all of you are little fuzzballs.
Aristotle believes in the possibility for people to be fucked up.
My oogie is moving slowly today.
Socrates is a sarcastic bastard.
When people say you need to take a holistic approach, Plato just rolls his eyes ‘cause he doesn’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.
Let’s say I find out that the DNA of cod is the same as the DNA of people from Oklahoma.…
I grew up in the New York/L.A. area.
I have a very impoverished cod view.
She grew up on a fishing boat in Arizona.
If you leave here, I can spit as far as Ed.
“Better” better not mean “better.”
[space travel without bodies, equipment, etc.] You eat a mushroom and off you go!
Go Pierce. Eat tater tots. Squeeze grease out.
French people think frog legs taste good. Americans think Velveeta tastes good.
Life has come to an end for this chalk.
You are just oatmeal!
[An attempt to keep everyone within the first four rows of Hill Theater] That row is covered in sulfuric acid. You have to move up.
I hated working in a factory. I wanted to blow up America.
E.T.’s an ugly disgusting thing you want to smash.
What you don’t learn now, most likely you will never learn.
Some of you will have artificial hearts made of… who knows what shit?!
You could have a Miles Davis credit card!
I’m predicting that I can lay my hand on this podium in 5 seconds, and that it won’t bite me.
A car engine is a turkey. So is a human being.
You’re all victims of “cool.”
It’s dangerous to study philosophy—“Whoooa, this is a podium….”
Birds don’t design chairs like this ( h ) because their knees would get banged.
Flowers have to be very promiscuous.
Very central thing—qua, qua, qua.
In graduate school, you learn Tort law… surgery of the toe….
Getting explanations is easy as shit.
If you walked up to a water buffalo, it’d get pissed… you’d be dead.
Maybe cats are spies from outer space….
You all look gray and her jacket [which was a turquoise sweater] stands out.
Socrates is contingently beer-bellied.
It would be really crazy if there was something biologically different between the Freds and the Ruths… well, there are, I guess….
[Fred Columbus, Christopher’s relative] No one knows about him because he was eaten by a squid.
You’re an American—unless you’re a Southerner, you haven’t been invaded.
Canadians aren’t going to march into Ohio and burn down your house.
If your short-term pleasures don’t lead to your long-term interest, you’re fucked.
My daughter, who’s not even 3, her sense of self goes back, oh, four hours.
A friend isn’t someone you go drinking with on Friday night and vomit on each other.
[All people have sexual needs, social needs, health needs—they have an intellectual side, a spiritual side, an athletic side, etc.] Shannon: “It’s all about nookie.” Me: “I feel so unfulfilled now.”
If you’re unlucky enough to live in Butan, forget it!
If you promise not to tell anybody… I have pictures of chicken genitalia in my office. You can look at them if you promise not to get too excited.
“There’s something wrong!” Then he knows his cigar needs to be relit.
If I say “Andy Warhol is good,” it means “I desire Andy Warhol.”
Plato—you remember him? The guy whose name rhymes with “tomato.”
Babies didn’t have car seats, you just threw them in the back seat!
Maybe Martians don’t need friends to be happy….
I think I’ll go to Seattle and hang out with the grunge people.
If anybody tries to leave, I’ll spit in your mouth.
