Gratitudes 2018, Day 1

I checked out today’s Memories page on Facebook and this commemorates “Gratitude, Day 1” in 2014. Back then, I was inspired by a friend tagging me in her post to say, “YOU give it a shot.” This year’s inspiration… not as good.

I spent the first part of the day at a visitation/mass for Marie Moilanen, my little brother’s mother-in-law, who passed away last Tuesday. It was only a matter of time—she died from pancreatic cancer—but it’s still hard to experience. Even when it’s inevitable, even when the person is no longer in pain, death is tough.

During the service, people focused on what a positive person she was, how she shared so much happiness and joy with everyone, how she was grateful for all of the blessings in her life… it was sad, but also inspirational.

I saw Gratitudes on Facebook, I saw gratitude at mass, I watched a video about mindfulness and gratitude this afternoon… I even have a Gratitude app on my phone! Everything just seemed to click.

On the first go-round, I wrote three every day for a month and only repeated something once. I started again a few years ago on my blog with Five Gratitudes every day, which lasted a week. This time, I’m not setting any hard rules for myself. At least three gratitudes a day, possibly more; no set number of days; don’t sweat if I miss a day… expressing gratitude shouldn’t be difficult or a stressful experience. So with that said, here we go!

  1. Teresa Smith, my fiancee. Prior to meeting her, I might have something special happening at the end of the week and I’d kinda coast through the days until then. Now I have something special happening in my life every day: her.

  2. Berkley and Sophie, our two dogs. Two rescues who have completely different personalities, but the same warm space in my heart.

  3. Attending the visitation/mass today. I thought about skipping it and just going to work this morning, but considering the result (see: this blog entry), I’m glad I went.

  4. The rest of my family. I got to see a lot of them this morning and I love them very much.

  5. My car. That’s how I got to the church, that’s how I got to work, that’s how I got home again. I spent a lot of time on the road, but it could have taken a full day or more with a horse and buggy.

Arguments on the Web, D&D style

“So if you look at this entire well-structured suit of armor, you’ll see that it’s a solid set of plate mail +2, +3 vs. goblins.”

“There’s a missing rivet in the torso. Armor Class 9!”

“That’s trivial and doesn’t affect the rest of the armor. I can even cover it with my shield. Totally impenetrable!”

“ARMOR CLASS 9!!!”

“Look, I get it, you found a tiny flaw that I missed, but it doesn’t matter–”

“A BABY GOBLIN STABS YOU IN THE STOMACH WITH A STICK! YOU’RE DEAD, I’M BLOCKING YOU!”

<Level 1 Knave has logged off>

“. . . I hate this game so much right now . . .”

Never too old for ice cream

One of the things I like about where I work is that they celebrate holidays. I’m not talking about Thanksgiving or Christmas or Patriot Day. No, I’m talking about the yummy ones.

On National Pizza Day, they ordered a couple dozen pizzas for the staff to share. National Donut Day? Boxes of donuts. Pi Day? I celebrated with a big slice of key lime pie.

It turns out that Sunday is National Ice Cream Day. Most of us are smart enough (or at least not masochistic enough) not to come in to work on the weekends, so on Friday, you could hear that jingling tune of an ice cream truck coming from the parking lot.

Its siren song was too powerful to resist and I was dragged out of the building almost against my will. Almost. Not really. Look, it was ice cream! I wanted some!

I got in line and saw the pictures of what was available on the side of the truck, so by the time I got to the front of the line, I knew what I wanted from the ice cream lady: a birthday party ice cream sandwich.

The “bread” was vanilla instead of chocolate and there were bright specks of color in the ice cream. Mmmmm… yummy.

I brought my treasure back into the break room and started opening the wrapper, then someone saw me and asked, “What did you get?”

“A birthday party ice cream sandwich.”

The guy she was talking to started saying, “So it’s probably going to taste like corn syrup and—”

“It’s gonna taste like a party, mother fucker!”

Okay, I kinda trailed off during that last word so I didn’t outright swear at a guy I’d never met before, but I wanted to make a point. And that point was… I was going to eat my ice cream! And enjoy it! Because it’s ice cream, mother fucker! Mmmmm… yummy.

“It’s a near hit! A collision is a near miss!”

BOOM! “Look, they nearly missed…” “Yes, but not quite!” So according to that definition (courtesy of George Carlin), that means yesterday afternoon, I was driving down the highway and got to experience a near hit.

I was in the car with Teresa (my fiancee) and our two dogs. We were driving to her parents’ house so we could attend her grandnephew’s baptism. It’s a long drive, about 2 1/2 hours. We were maybe halfway there and I ended up behind a pickup truck that was pulling a trailer with a couple of ATVs on it.

We were going the speed limit—60 miles per hour—and normally, I probably would have found a place to cross the center line to go around him to save a little time. However, the center line in that area had a rumble strip on it: a lot of small ridges that make a lot of noise when your tires hit that line. Little dogs don’t like a lot of noise. Since I care about their well-being (and Teresa’s well-being since they were riding in her lap), I stayed behind the pickup truck.

There was a car coming toward us in the other lane, which would normally be no big deal. It might have remained no big deal except the road curved slightly to our left. The oncoming car should have then turned slightly to that driver’s right. “Should have” is a very key term here.

Instead of turning, it continued moving in a pretty straight line, crossing over the rumble strip in the center of the road and was about halfway into our lane by the time it reached the truck in front of us. Thankfully, the truck driver was able to swerve to his right. Not so thankfully, his trailer didn’t swerve as quickly as the truck and the car hit the front corner of that trailer almost head on.

Remember, we were driving 60 miles per hour, which means the car was probably moving about the same speed toward us. A collision with that much force explains why the car’s airbags immediately deployed. It also explains why the car’s front left wheel stayed at the point of impact while the rest of the car kept moving forward.

The impact sent the trailer skidding toward the side of the road. The chains that kept the trailer attached to the back of the truck remained intact. Whatever was keeping the ATVs attached to the trailer didn’t. They were airborne, soaring over the downward slope next to the road and covering a pretty good distance before finally crashing to the ground.

The impact also sent the car with its three remaining wheels back into its own lane before it eventually skidded to a halt at the edge of our side of the road.

My brain had switched to automatic at that point and I remember stomping down on the brake pedal and swerving toward the outside of the road to avoid both the oncoming car and all of the debris that had suddenly appeared in front of us. Because the impact bounced the car back into its own lane… I’m not sure about the debris, but I know we managed to avoid the car.

(As a side note, I got a hint as to how hard I slammed on the brakes later that night. It had been many years since my surgically-repaired knee just ached, but there it was again…)

We stopped quickly enough that I could have pulled in behind the pickup truck, but I went past and parked in front of it instead. Looking back at the road… wow. A lot of metal and plastic and one wheel sitting by itself. Part of me wanted to take pictures of the aftermath and part of me (the part that won out) was happy to avoid any additional reminders of what had just happened. As it was, I got to see the car up close after they’d pulled it up onto a trailer and that’s when I realized where the wheel in the road came from.

Looking down the slope next to the road… wow. Those ATVs were spread out a lot more than I would have expected by the time they came to rest in their various states of “Yeah, that ain’t gonna move under its own power anytime soon.”

The car that crossed the center line was totaled. The ATVs were totaled. The drivers were physically okay (the car’s driver got checked out in the back of an ambulance), but I imagine their nerves were also probably totaled. The truck may have bent an axle when the trailer suddenly pulled so hard off to the side, too. (The bottom of the rear driver’s side tire was tilted slightly outward.) Me? I ended up in the back of a police car.

Thankfully, it was only because I was making a statement to the state trooper so that we could get back in our fully-functional car and continue the trip to Teresa’s parents’ house. She had a number of scratch marks on her legs from the dogs’ feet when I slammed on the brakes, but that was about the extent of the damage to the four of us.

(As another side note, her nephew got to her parents’ house a little later. He had taken the same route we did, so he asked if we saw the mess on the side of the road that was holding up traffic. Ummmm… yes. Yes, we did.)

It wasn’t until this afternoon when Teresa pointed out that if the pickup truck hadn’t been pulling the trailer with the ATVs… the car driving toward us would have continued to move further into our lane and we might have had a head-on collision. That trailer may have saved our lives. I’ve never cared much about ATVs, but it turns out that car accidents can be a good way to develop a real appreciation for what they can do.

So that’s it. The worst thing that happened to the four of us was me forgetting to pack up my cell phone at Teresa’s parents’ house in the morning and we had to drive back there after church. I was annoyed with myself, but considering what could have happened during the first leg of our trip… a great example of first-world problems.

We were very, very lucky. All of us in all three vehicles. Cars, trailers and ATVs can be replaced. People (and dogs)? Not so much. So at your next opportunity, I recommend giving a hug to someone you love, whether that be a person, a pet… okay, you can hug your car, too. Just make sure that it’s not moving at 60 miles per hour with other cars driving toward you when you do.

Seizures and bonus features

I was seizure-free for about 15 years. Now I’m definitely not anymore.

What’s strange is that even though I’m having them more frequently than in the past, they’ve been small ones. Simple partial seizures. I’ll see some random image in my head or be unable to put words together in a sentence because they get all scrambled up in my brain. Sometimes I just feel a surge that’s kinda like blood rushing into your ears. All very hard to explain, but all very minor compared to blackouts or full-blown grand mal seizures. In that sense, I’m extremely lucky.

After so many years, I finally needed to change my medication back in October, so the doctor and I decided to increase the dosage of one and leave the other. That hasn’t solved the problem: I had two more seizures over the weekend. Only the second one was noticeable because I was having a conversation and then all of the words kinda swirled away. Well, not all of the words—I was still able to sit there swearing under my breath.

So now it’s time for another change, but instead of only adjusting what I’m already taking, the doctor is prescribing Vimpat. I’d never heard of it before my last appointment, but… well, if the doc thinks it’ll work, I’m hoping he’s right. The part that’s a little bit concerning is that before starting this medication, I needed to get an EKG. (Regardless of what you may have heard from women in any of my prior relationships, I do in fact have a heart.)

I had the EKG done this morning and the doctor signed off on it, but the results showed an abnormality. No one elaborated, just said that I needed to make an appointment to come in later this week. Which thankfully means I’m probably not gonna drop dead from heart failure in the next few days.

More seizures and now possibly heart problems. But instead of panicking (which seems like a reasonable option at this point), I still feel very lucky. Things could be much worse. For one thing, I could drop dead from heart failure NOW! … Or maybe NOW! … How about NOW! Nope, still alive and still feeling very lucky.

Day 30: Giving thanks

Well, I started the month like a lion and I’m ending the month like a much smaller lion.

roar.

We’re not far past Thanksgiving, so for this last day of Epilepsy Awareness Month, I thought I’d focus on giving thanks. Focusing on the bad parts of having epilepsy pulls my attention away from all of the blessings I have in my life and there are a bunch. I’m thankful for…

… My friends and family. I have an amazing support system that is willing to help me out as much as they can. If I have to leave a gathering early because I don’t have my medications, they understand. If I lose my driver’s license due to seizures, there are people who can drive me where I need to be.

… My driver’s license. There are plenty of “one in 26” people who have uncontrolled seizures. If you have an involuntary loss of consciousness, your license gets suspended for a couple months (and the time restarts after each seizure, so you may not be able to drive for a loooooong time). The length of the suspension was six months when it was happening to me, which sucks when you’re in your mid-20’s.

… Epilepsy treatments (medication, surgery, etc). They don’t always work, but if they didn’t exist at all, I’d be one of many with uncontrolled seizures (both in frequency and severity).

… My blog. Sometimes it feels like I’m shouting into the void when writing in here, but if one person reads one post and feels better afterward, it’s been worth it.

… Electricity. My computer would look exceptionally weird sitting on my lap and not doing anything.

… Sunsets. A few days ago, the sun reached a certain point on the horizon and there were fluffy clouds in the sky, so it was lit up in pink and purple and all sorts of colors. At that point, nothing else mattered on this list. I wasn’t using electricity for my laptop, I wasn’t worried about epilepsy and seizures, I was just watching something beautiful.

Yes, I have epilepsy. Yes, it affects me in ways both good and bad. It has not stopped my life. It has not stopped beauty. It has not stopped my ability to be thankful for everything around me.

So thanks to you, fair reader(s). I hope you’ve had a good Epilepsy Awareness Month, but whether you’ve learned anything or not, I hope you remember to be thankful.