Jimmy knew about the monsters that were in his closet. He knew about the ones that lives under his bed. The entire room was full of them, hidden in one place or another. He might never have known if they weren’t so clumsy. Continue reading “Things That Go “Bump” In The Night”
Fear the power of Negascrot!
“Okay, the first rule is that you have to have a cool name that strikes fear into the hearts of the bad guys. Ummm…. Okay, how’s this sound? Negascrot! That’s scary, isn’t it?” Continue reading “Fear the power of Negascrot!”
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Classic professor quotes
Bet you didn’t know that professors can be good for more than decent grades if you provide the proper sexual favors, did you? Turns out that they can add a little sunshine to an ordinarily dismal day filled with crappy classes that you’d rather sleep through and they’re serving sloppy joes for lunch again. Beginning in my sophomore year at Kenyon, I started jotting down quotes in the margins of my notebooks, comments from professors and students which kept time from stopping and made things a little less unbearable. Continue reading “Classic professor quotes”
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Q & A: This is the Bottom Line, Because I Said So*
By Shawn Bakken, Staff Bearer
* This column may offend some people. I recommend you suck it up and deal. The world isn’t going to bow to your personal preferences. And don’t waste your time bitching to me. If you can’t take a joke, I don’t want to have anything to do with you. Or your mother. She was great last night, you know… Continue reading “Q & A: This is the Bottom Line, Because I Said So*”
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Michael Jackson Attacks Own Bodyguard
By Shawn Bakken, Staff Reporter
It seemed like just another ordinary day at Neverland, Michael Jackson’s ranch and amusement park. After cruising around on the quarter-mile go-kart track for twenty minutes, Jackson was walking toward the Ferris wheel until Bryce Handle, one of the bodyguards hovering around the grounds on a regular basis, said something quietly to another guard and turned to go into the main building. Jackson immediately attacked the 4-year veteran of his staff, leaving several scratches across Handle’s cheek. Shortly thereafter, Handle received a memo on official Disney stationary informing him of the immediate termination of his position in Jackson’s Magical Kingdom. In response, Handle is suing Jackson for $100 million. Continue reading “Michael Jackson Attacks Own Bodyguard”
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Philosophy Department Believes It Does Not Exist
By Shawn Bakken, Reporter
Just when people start to think that philosophical thought has become stagnant and nothing remains to be discovered, something occurs similar to a recent development in the Kenyon Philosophy Department. In accordance with several collective incidents and plenty of thought on the matter, the faculty members have reached a general consensus that they do not exist. Continue reading “Philosophy Department Believes It Does Not Exist”
