Tag: Season 5

Interesting ploy by the producers. This is the first season when face time hasn’t indicated how long someone will last on the show. First Jonathan, then Jim, guys who seemed like dead ringers to go deep into the season because you never saw them. (If I was either of those two, I’d be kinda pissed about being denied seven or eight of my fifteen minutes of fame.)

And now we have Beauty and the Geek again! Finally, the show resumes its title, its premise and its purpose: to teach geeky guys that not all beautiful girls are pretentious bitches. That’s not the only purpose, of course, but it’s one that John E. and Jonathan didn’t get to fully experience. Bummer, dudes…

Tommy reminded me of all the guys from Season 1: the beauties had the rocket science challenge. Sure, Tommy gets to be on the radio, but the girls get the physics projects!

I think Cara might have a future in politics. Ask her a question she doesn’t want to (or can’t) answer and she’ll tell you about something that’s vaguely related, but never address the actual issue that you wanted to know about. It’s worked in the presidential debates for months now—it can work for you, too!

Someone needs to explain to Randi that humility is a virtue—I’m assuming that she has other virtues to make up for it, but they haven’t shown any yet.

Why, why, why did they revert back to narrowing the group down to two people before announcing the winner? I had so much hope after Cara won the science fair, but nope! Dr. Drew decided to fuck it all up. The man’s a doctor, he should know what that kind of stress can do to a person. After Jason realized that he helped Cara win her challenge, then came in second place for the geeks’ challenge… that boy may never have a proper erection again.

Note to Joe: when you’re on a radio show like “Dr. Drew Live” (a.k.a., “Loveline”), please keep your answers short and sweet. You can say a whole lot in one minute. If you go on for much longer than that, you might as well be their parents giving them “the sex talk”. (Incidentally, I managed to avoid having that conversation with my dad—I stumbled onto the book Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex, But Was Afraid To Ask and read it cover to cover. If you feel uncomfortable talking to your kids about that stuff, “accidentally” leave it in their bedroom and ask if they have any questions three days later.)

The stairway ceremonies are becoming more unorthodox every season. When I was around, if someone was sent to the elimination room, we sucked it up and moved on. Well, that’s what the others did—Scarlet and I got sent there by default—but had that happened to us, I like to think we would have sucked it up and moved on. Nowadays, they encourage bitching about “How dare you choose us!”

And then there’s Tommy. Now that was unorthodox. Walking up to Jim and Tiffany after calling them out and giving them both a big hug… yikes almighty. For those who think Tommy is only pretending to be a geek, you have to admit that he’s doing a pretty damn good job of it.

I learned a few things about Jim’s internal workings after this episode. One: he has more guts than I thought after asking Tiffany to kiss him. Two: he has bigger balls than I thought after his “tit for tat” pledge. Personally, there’s no way that I’d tell someone that. For one thing, someone else might start acting like a major dick in a few days, but because Jim committed himself to sending Tommy to the elimination room, that dick is probably gonna be safe. For another, revenge is a lot sweeter when the person isn’t expecting it.

Given her complete domination in the elimination room, all Leticia has to do is shrink a couple inches and dye her hair brown to become this season’s version of Mindi. Well, that plus give up the whole “jumping out of airplanes” thing.

That was a nice shot of Matt’s trembling hands on top of his buzzer. I didn’t think any of the beauties brought their earthquake projects home from the Beauty and the Geek Science Fair, but I might have been wrong.

“Hey, Jim, why weren’t you on Beauty and the Geek for very long?”
“God hates me.”

Does anyone else find it both ironic and satisfying that out of the three girls who were trying to manipulate the geeks (Leticia, Tiffany and DraculAmber), two of them have already left the mansion?

Now that the show is on the air and Tommy is seeing DraculAmber’s lovely behavior when he wasn’t around, maybe he’s decided his odds are of dating a supermodel aren’t as high as he thought.

Kudos to Jillian and Chris for stepping up instead of having each team whittle people down until they picked a half-willing participant.

Seriously, saying “You’re going to be playing some kind of sport” is one thing, but boxing gear? Most of the geeks aren’t very coordinated—how many of them do you want to send to the hospital on stretchers?

Apparently, being a mediator while preparing for the challenge wasn’t good enough for Chris. Nope, he had to become a leader for his football team, too!

Apparently, being a mediator while choosing beauties for elimination wasn’t good enough for Joe, either. The results… not quite as positive. Just imagine how the meeting from last week would have turned out if he’d been running it with the same amount of energy and excitement: “You’re supposed to second the motion before we can pass it! What the hell were you thinking?!”

The last time I played flag football was during law school. There are a couple law schools in the area and we put teams together to play a couple games. (Incidentally, no one wanted to play against the U of M team—one of their guys used to play for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Seriously.) It can be really hard to grab flags that are flapping around, so it was reeeeeally easy to start running into people instead. “I was aiming for the flag on the other side of her waist!”

They couldn’t show much of the game due to time constraints, but from what I saw, it seemed like the best plays were pretty much “Give the fast guy the ball and have him run around the edge. And then have Tommy whack him out of bounds.”

When Matt got rocked by Tiffany, two thoughts crossed my mind.

1) I blamed it on karma—he got hurt because he took out the cameraman during warm-ups.
2) I felt his pain, though not quite in the same way. I got up and finished, but Lord knows Matt wanted to. Also, our situations would have been more comparable if he used to play football, but got hurt anyway. Not that I’m trying to garner pity points or anything.

The girls were talking about who to eliminate, Jonathan walked into the room, they told him what they were talking about… and he stayed. That was a pretty good sign that he needed to be in the mansion: they don’t want to say bad things about you to your face, so move your face so they can say bad things about you.

“One geek will not be selected and they will have to leave tonight.” HE! HE! A guy will be going home! HE!!!!!

Obviously, Chris made a good impression on the beauties and a bunch of them wanted to be his partner, but what if no one did? They won the challenge and he was safe from elimination, soooo… someone would have been stuck with him. Ouch.

While the beauties were talking about which geek they were going to pair up with, Tiffany said she could straighten out Jonathan. When they did pair up, she picked Jim instead. Finally, Tara walks up and starts crying. You think the plan was for her to partner up with Jim, but now she has to make a decision on the spot and make up a reason for her choice?

“Hey, Jim, how did you stay on Beauty and the Geek so long?”
“Divine intervention.”

Given my prediction after Episode 1—Jonathan barely appeared on screen—I think Joe’s going home. That was a bad last impression, cowboy. You may want to keep your eyes on the beauties so you don’t get shot in the back on the way out.

I lost track of time on Tuesday, so I only saw the last part of it and didn’t want to write half an entry. I’d work on the recap now, but it hasn’t been posted on the CW’s website yet and I’m leaving later this afternoon to spend the weekend at a B&B about three hours north of the Twin Cities (see: no Internet access), so… Consequently, things won’t change much for a few days unless there’s a sudden surge of readers’ comments, but I’ll make up for it next week.

[They posted it an hour or two after I wrote this! Recap of Episode 3, here I come!]

The episode began with Countess DraculAmber chewing on Tommy’s neck, trying to suck out his hormones and turn him into a mindless sex slave. Given the “connection” he thought they had, it seemed to be working.

DraculAmber, on the other hand, was giving some mixed messages. She told the other beauties that her affections toward him were solely because she was doing whatever it took to stay in the mansion. However, she also admitted in the confessional booth that she liked him. Because he was tall, cute and would eventually get rich and buy everything she wanted. Okay, maybe that’s not such a mixed message.

Does anyone else think it’s sad that most of the beauties don’t have any talents? And they know it? And accept it? Whatever happened to the talent portion of beauty pageants? I guess plain old models only have to stand there and look hot, just like they told us.

Now that the beauties and geeks have to cooperate as a team instead of working individually and tallying the results, the difference in how they operate is frightening. Chris did a lot of the talking at first, but he seemed more like a mediator than a leader for the group. “You talk, now you talk, now you talk.” The girls… they yelled. A lot. All at the same time. No mediators, just a bunch of loud voices (and a few girls who wanted to choke the loud voices out of the others).

Then again, the geeks did work individually in a way. The beauties wanted to develop a single routine for everyone—a routine that no one could agree on. The geeks set up a plan where each guy did what he was good at. It’s kinda hard to disagree with a plan like that: “No, you suck at that! You have to dress up like a school girl and do The Sprinkler!”

Watching the beauties’ talent show gave me some horrible, horrible flashbacks. When Scarlet and I were preparing for our first challenges, we spent a lot of time working on her spelling, geography, etc. Working on our dance routine… not so much. Here was the plan for the three one-minute-long segments:

R&B: move my hips around and smile while she danced in front of me.
Disco: a pair of John Travolta moves (a pair of arm crossovers ala Pulp Fiction, then the Saturday Night Fever step over and over and over…)
Salsa: do random salsa moves until the minute was up.

Then after I discovered that it sucked and I hated doing it, we had to do it a second time for the sake of the cameras.

That being said, when I was on stage, it was a smaller audience, it only lasted for three minutes (twice) and it only had one person on stage who looked thoroughly awkward. This was in a packed theater, the digital clock was counting down from ten minutes and the eight beauties were collectively even less organized than me. The only thing that would have made it worse (or better, depending on your point of view) was if DraculAmber had been forced to stay out there on stage the whole time with everyone else.

“One Buff Geek” doesn’t seem like a geeky quality, but it definitely suits Jason. Hell, he probably could have added to his portion of the talent show by rapping into the mic while squeezing it between his pecs.

I wanna know what Jim’s talent was! The only time he appeared on camera, he was standing there looking awkward—he might as well have been wearing a skirt and doing the Sprinkler.

The geeks won the challenge, so that night, they went to relax in the hot tub. Or at least Joe did. The other guys may have joined him when they caught the scent of non-studying beauties. DraculAmber was pissed off at Leticia during the staircase ceremony for manipulating the geeks, playing around with them in the hot tub, but at least she had the decency to manipulate all of them together instead of trying to turn one person into a mindless sex slave. (Why she didn’t whine about Tiffany being in the hot tub as well, I haven’t the slightest idea.)

“Okay, according to page 76 of Robert’s Rules of Order, we need to make a motion to amend the amendment of the last motion before hearing motions about whether chocolate or vanilla is better. We have a motion, do I hear a second? All in favor? All opposed? Motion is carried, so it looks like… we like strawberry. Shit.”

By the end of the night, there were three groups of people. Geeks, beauties who studied and beauties who manipulated geeks. If that doesn’t say something about how well the social experiment is going this season, I don’t know what does.

Want to know how well DraculAmber got along with everyone else? And by “everyone else”, I mean everyone else (except for Tommy, but I cut him a little slack because of his transformation into a mindless sex slave). I submit my evidence from Episode 2 to the court:

1. She openly admitted to manipulating Tommy to stay in the mansion and sounded quite proud of it.
2. She was just as bull-headed as the other beauties when talking (yelling) about the talent show and was the first to bail on the meeting and start drinking.
3. She refused to accept the proper pronunciation of “genre”. (Damn French people need to learn to speak English…)
4. Her hypocritical whining about Leticia manipulating the geeks.
5. When she wouldn’t shut up during the stair ceremony, Joe forgot about his pledge from the last episode to help her stay and got into a yelling match with her (and Joe doesn’t seem like a guy who would break his word on a whim).
6. She didn’t bother listening to the rule about whoever buzzes in first gets to answer the question.
7. Her heart hurts? She has one? Wow…
8. Her attitude speaks for itself. Hell, she even admitted during her exit interview that she’s a bitch. DraculAmber is a beauty on the outside (according to the producers) and that’s about it.

Praise God for Joe sticking up for himself and the geeks’ decision! Chris tried to be subtle before and suggest that her ranting and raving was part of the reason why she got tapped, but that little girl seems like the type who needs a slap in the face to get her attention. If only someone had done that while they were explaining the rules in the elimination room… or any other time, for that matter.

As a final note, I’d like to say that I hope John E. can appreciate how effective this season’s dynamic has been after the first two episodes.

I went online and was able to watch Episode 1 here (click on “video”), which had its upsides and downsides. The upside is that I can write a recap. The downside… I’ll get to that later.

The intro only had a handful of three-second clips from Season 4? My final claim to fame with Beauty and the Geek—walking through the curtain with my new makeover—is gone? Damn.

Technically, this is Season 4b of Beauty and the Geek because it’s playing during the same TV season as the previous one and the clips on the website say it’s the 4th season (starting with 414 versus 501). However, calling it “Season 4b” would confuse a lot of people (me especially), so I’ll stick with the idea that since it’s the fifth run of the show, it’s Season 5.

When the “Beauty Plane” landed, I immediately thought of Hooters Air. That’s right, Hooters had an airline for about three years and I bet the stewardesses and the beauties exiting the plane looked pretty similar. Different outfits, maybe, but pretty similar.

I think Greggy is this season’s version of Richard. He seems the most awkward of the group (especially given his “Gaysian” status) and the girls fell madly in love with him almost immediately. The only difference is that he’s cute and polite versus running down that dark road toward Attention Whore Alley. Thankfully, there were only girls in the room when he burst into tears about being the only artistic geek there or he might have had Matt (“The Poet”) crying right along with him. And they don’t have Ben & Jerry’s in the mansion.

As the girls were showing off their make-unders before heading into the club, I could hear geeks around the world crying out, “You feel awkward and self-conscious? Welcome to our world, bitches!”

Regardless of their appearance, the girls still had the advantage of being used to talking to cute guys in a club and interacting with all the people there. My preference has always been smaller settings with fewer people—that preference was even more prevalent before being on the show—so my natural instinct would still have been to stand in the corner and poop in my pants.

Was it Kristina who was feeling self-conscious about guys looking at the fake acne on her face? Maybe it’s because with her make-under and frumpy clothes, they were looking her in the eyes instead of staring at her boobs. She might not be used to that.

Before pointing fingers at Amber and Randi for being immature and obnoxious (“Oompa-loompa!” “Fatty!” “Drag queen!”), don’t forget that the other girls in the room were loving it! And I will bet you a million bajillion Canadian dollars (they’re worth more than American nowadays) that the guys never got into a shouting match like that (“Square!” “Four-eyes!” “Party fouler!”).

Wait a sec… Chris has a girlfriend?! When did that become acceptable? The flyer the guys got for Season 1 said that to participate, we had to be “21-32 years old, smart and single.” As in “not be in a relationship.” Stupid producers relaxing their standards…

They picked Jonathan… who’s Jonathan? Oh, a guy we’ve seen on camera twice so far! You think he might be on the show for another episode or two? Or three or four or all of them?

When John almost keeled over behind the podiums, I had a horrible flashback to being on the hilltop with an oxygen tube in my nose. “Do you need us to get a helicopter on the roof to fly you to the hospital?”

In the elimination room, I bet the producers thought they were being crafty by silencing the last two numbers in the girl’s digits. I have some bad news. The prefix 555 in any area code doesn’t exist. TV shows, movies and commercials with a phone number will either start with 555 or be 867-53-oh-ni-ee-i-ine. Plus any good lip reader would have known which numbers the girl and Tommy said—I think it was “99”, but I could be wrong.

If the guys watched the Aftermath for Season 1, they should have known that the best opening line is “Hi” (as revealed by yours truly). Sadly, I don’t think I’ve used that word as a pick-up line ever since.
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Here’s the downside I alluded to earlier—I got to watch an additional portion of John’s exit interview and I’m going to listen to it a couple more times to make sure I quote him correctly: “The Beauty vs. Geek dynamic really created more camaraderie in us and a closeness that wasn’t there in previous seasons because I didn’t just have one beauty—I had ’em all.”

Here’s my response that should take less effort to quote: “You pretentious little cocksucker.” You know what the difference in the dynamic is? Beauties vs. Geeks! That’s all!

I can only speak for Season 1, but I’m pretty sure this has been the case whenever beauties and geeks have roamed the halls of that mansion: We didn’t hang out with only our partners. Scarlet and I wouldn’t wander around by ourselves and then suddenly, “Oh shit, it’s Joe and Erika! Run!” We all interacted with each other, helped each other, studied together and worked together to become better people.

If anything, this new dynamic isolates the geeks from the beauties more than before. It was generally a collective effort amongst all of us, geeks and beauties alike; we didn’t avoid the girls and huddle up together to improve our odds for victory. I guess I missed out on having a hot chick with big boobs sit in my lap, trying to manipulate me into helping her get the money, but I think our dynamic turned out just fine. So there, punk!

I was surfing around on the Internet, checking out my e-mail and Facebook (commonly known as “Crackbook” in some circles), which is when I discovered that the Season 5 of Beauty and the Geek premiered on Tuesday, March 11th. That’s right, past tense. I missed it.

The consequences are severe. I have no idea who anyone is, what’s going on or how the “beauties vs. geeks” dynamic is supposed to work. Sadly, that’s the advertised twist this time around: instead of teaming up, the two genders are butting heads. I did manage to hunt down a few video clips here and there and guess what? The guys are calm and relaxed, whereas the girls are all catty and want to pull each other’s hair out! Without being partnered with geeks who could cool their tempers, people could get their heads ripped off at any moment. (From the look of things, it could easily be a physical ripping, not just verbal. All a beauty would have to do is place a geek’s head between her gargantuan breasts and twist!)

But the most severe consequence is that I can’t provide a recap for the show. Since I don’t know what happened, you don’t know what happened. Well, hopefully you do, but you don’t get any (theoretically insightful) commentary that I would normally supply for each episode. If the show re-airs or I can find some other way to watch it, I’ll do that and post-date the entry or something. In the meantime, I’ll try not to make the same mistake twice. (Please don’t rip my head off… even if would involve a pair of gargantuan breasts.)