I’ll admit it, I went ahead and watched Twilight earlier this week. Thankfully, I was listening to an mp3 file from Rifftrax at the same time—commentary provided by the same people who produced MST3K in its later years—so I never felt the need to grab a pencil to puncture my eyeballs or eardrums to ease the pain. In fact, I almost feel bad that I missed some of the horrific, angst-filled dialogue because of the commentary, but better safe than punctured.
The thing that concerned me the most—even more than the sparkles and the 90-year-old’s desire for a teenager—was when Bella made Edward fess up about being a vampire. During the course of that conversation, he told her, “You’re like heroin.”
Now I have two concerns. Think about this for a second: he doesn’t eat food, he doesn’t sleep, he sparkles, he can leap over tall buildings in a single… well, he can climb big trees really fast. My point is that his biological makeup isn’t the same as a regular human’s anymore—how likely is it that heroin would have any effect on him at all, let alone the effect that Bella seems to have?
I did a little bit of research and found out that heroin did exist back in the early 1900’s, so it’s possible that he would have known what it was like while he was still human, but that would also mean Edward was using heroin as a teenager. Sure, it was sold as medicine, but if he remembers it being that much of a rush, he must have had a lot of coughing fits as a kid.
Even if we brush this concern off to the side and just assume that Edward knows what heroin is like, what does that say about his relationship with Bella? He’s extremely possessive and wants to keep her for his own. He thinks about her day and night. He’s willing to rip out the throat of someone trying to take her from him. He got a taste of her and needed an intervention to stop drinking her blood. He wants her to stay away from him, but can’t let her go. She is what he lives for.
Time to face the facts, Twilight fans: EDWARD IS A JUNKIE! (Feel free to reach for your pencils now.)
