For trying to slit your wrists? It may have been a more preferable option than sitting through the independent movie I watched on Monday night. A couple friends of mine were going (one of whom was involved with the film) and wanted me to join them. Even though the theater was about five miles away from my house, I was still a little hesitant. After all, “I don’t want to waste a couple hours of my life on a movie that sucks!”
They had two screenings, 6:30 and 8:30; I had to attend a Boy Scout meeting at 7:00, so I told the guy who was in it that I’d call him between the screenings and ask him if it was worth coming.
I gave him a ring at about 8:10 and he told me that the movie was… well, I don’t quite recall his answer (or maybe I’m editing it out since he was part of the film), but he made it sound like it was okay. Consequently, I jumped in the car, got to the theater and went inside. It was one of the worst mistakes of my life.
I don’t want to name the movie just because it might hit some independent film festival or something… if I don’t like you, I want you to suffer through it, too. MWA HA HA HAAAAA!!! Instead, I’ll include some commentary that Jeremy, a friend of mine, and I shared (vocally or typing on his iPhone) while we were watching it—some of it was plot-related, some comments were just to ease the pain.
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Before the lights went down, I told him, “If it’s really bad, I’ll kill you if you kill me at the same time.” In the middle of the movie, I grabbed his phone and wrote, “My offer stands.”
There were a few breaks in the movie when the camera was flying over the landscape. The view of far-reaching farmland wasn’t that bad, but the fact that it played the same 15-second music clip every single time…
Where did she get all those clothes if her brother took her luggage out of the trunk?
There must have been a lot of stairs up to the house, given that it was daytime when they got out of the car and dark by the time they opened the front door.
Within the first ten minutes of the movie, her brother is playing a video game. The name of the game? Same as the movie. The opening screen of the game? Same as the movie. Quality of the game? I doubt the game exists, so it’s probably better.
The neighbor lady brought over some chili for the uncle, not knowing of the extra four tummies now living in the house. “Think there’ll be enough for everyone?”
“That’s not what happens when you grab an electric fence.” (Sadly, when I was younger, I did grab an electric fence. I didn’t go flying backwards. I ended up with a green stripe across both my palms and thought I was turning into the Incredible Hulk.)
“Oh my God, what happened to you?!” “I’ll tell you later.” She didn’t tell her later.
The good girl gets really pissed when she finds out the boy is the bad girl’s ex-boyfriend?
Let’s ask the horse what he thinks. “What’s that, Wildfire? You think she’s a bitch, too?”
Best pick-up line ever: “I’d like to ride you like a horse…”
She’s from Boston, they’re currently in farm country in MN and there’s apparently a really great mall nearby where she could shop all day.
How does she practice for the race? She walks the horse in circles.
Does the good girl win the race against the bad girl? No. The horse dies.
How do they know the horse is dead? “He left you a note.”
I swear to God, the shirt the girl was wearing at the end of the movie made her look pregnant, but they didn’t do anything more than hug (at one point, they were slow-dancing and didn’t get within hugging distance!). If your parents were taught that a girl can get pregnant by kissing… times have changed, kids.
At the end of the movie, the girl and her friends pull out of the driveway to head back to Boston. Next, the angst-ridden boy is sitting in a barn somewhere (“Time to get drunk!”), then runs out to the driveway for no particular reason and wouldn’t you know it? There stands the girl, suitcase in hand. How nice! Her friends didn’t have the decency to drive her back up to the house, they just dumped her on the side of the road and left.
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After the screening, there was an after-party at a nearby bar, which I assume was so people could drink something to get the bad taste of the movie out of their mouths. There were also a few people who had movie posters and they were having cast members sign it, which was kinda cool. What was also kinda cool (but also kinda odd) was that I knew one of the kids with a poster and he asked me to sign it, even though all I did was watch the movie.
As a general rule, I like to sign it to a person or add a note to make an autograph more personal, so above my name, I wrote, “I laughed, I cried, I want my money back.” And it was a free screening. That’s how bad the movie was.
You neglected to say that the director was sitting immediately in front of us during all your shenanigans… how he restrained himself I’ll never know… even with you two LAUGHING out loud at the death scene (the scripted line introducing the group to the fact that Wildfire was dead was “It’s not looking good…”).
You still owe me.
–MDF
I am almost sorry that I missed the free screening, just so I could have heard you and Jeremy. But then, I also managed to miss being in any of the scenes. Coincidence…I think not. Hope to see you Wed. at Matthew’s.
So the girl didn’t freeze to death chasing after the horse like in the song, “Wildfire” of which I’m assuming the movie took some kindof inspiration. If not, then that’s lame.
Actually, the movie seemed to have similar plotlines to “Wildfire”, a TV series that played on ABC Family for a while. (There were multiple times when I was thinking, “How long before the lawsuit happens?”)
Ahh, re-reading the memories 🙂
It’s worth noting: the series Wildfire was infinitely better than this movie, not only because Genevieve Cortese is good looking, but because, well, the series actually had a plot (usually). And some interesting characters. And the horse didn’t die.
still having nightmares? sour stomach? and now in the theatres where you have to pay money?.. if you throw up you may get kicked out of a movie theater.. or at least asked to leave!