I’m afraid to report that another of my friends who had avoided reality TV up to this point has come over to the Dark Side. First me, then Stephanie Link, now Marie Porter. Why won’t these people learn from my example?!
I guess in Marie’s case, it’s a little more understandable. The show wasn’t just “live in a house and try to win a bajillion dollars.” She auditioned for MasterChef. I’ve had limited exposure to fine cuisine—I’m quite fond of mac ‘n’ cheese out of the box—but she’s probably the most masterful chef I’ve ever known, so it seemed like a reasonable decision.
Part of her motivation was to win the money, but another (probably larger) part was the exposure. She’s already written several cookbooks and the results of her recipes that I’ve tasted have been ultra-yummy. Unfortunately, the market is extremely saturated. There are sooooooo many cookbooks on the shelves that it’s almost impossible to know which ones are good: “Norwegian Tailgate Grilling… Nigerian Bagels… 501 Ways to Cook Goat Testicles!”
Marie is fairly well established on a local level, but without a wide-scale “fan base”, her books still get smothered among all of the sucky ones. Competing on MasterChef and showing a national audience what she’s capable of doing… BAM! Huge fan base! Now people everywhere know her name and can seek her out.
Marie has heard stories about what goes on behind the camera dozens of times. Talking to Stephanie and me, she already knew that “reality TV” isn’t reality: it’s what the audience sees according to editing and producers’ decisions. Still, it was the proverbial “opportunity of a lifetime.” She’s probably satisfied with just the one opportunity.
Much like any other reality show, Marie went to auditions, made a home tape, filled out forms, signed contracts… it was a long, arduous process, but she was eventually flown out to L.A. to appear on the 4th season of MasterChef. (You might get a glimpse of her in this video promo—just look for someone with long turquoise hair.)
The video… yikes almighty. “The cooking challenges are even more over the top than the last three seasons combined!” Everything gets bigger and “better” each time around, but one thing remains constant: the judges. (I’ve never seen the show myself, so I’m pulling this description off Wikipedia. Come to think of it, I’m pulling a couple things off Wikipedia in this blog post. I’m sure there are hundreds of college professors weeping silently right now.)
“Chef, television personality and restaurateur Gordon Ramsay together with restaurateur and vineyard owner Joe Bastianich and chef Graham Elliot are the judges in this new version of MasterChef.”
Marie had watched the previous seasons of MasterChef to prepare for what might happen out in L.A. and it didn’t take long before one of those judges started grating on her in a big, big way. Just by watching the above video clip—watching him on camera for maybe thirty seconds—I can already see why she thinks Joe is an absolute douche.
In fact, she’d given him a nickname before knowing she’d have the privilege of meeting him in person: “Joey Coattails.” If you’d be gracious enough to consider Wikipedia a viable reference again, I’ll try to explain.
Joe is the son of Lidia Bastianich, a well-known chef, TV host, author and restaurateur. She was born in Yugoslavia, grew up in a refugee camp, eventually came overseas and “achieved The American Dream.” She and her husband built some very successful restaurants in New York and that’s how Joe grew up: the son of an excellent chef who made a lot of money because of it.
Did Joe follow a similar means of success? No. He graduated from Boston College and went to work as a bond trader on Wall Street. As far as I can tell, the only time he touched food at a restaurant growing up is when he’d lift it from his plate into his mouth.
I don’t want to discredit his intelligence. He seems like he has some solid business acumen. He eventually built his own restaurant and made it pretty successful. Given that about 90% don’t last more than a year, the fact that he kept it open says a lot. (It would say even more if his parents didn’t give him the capital to start it and become business partners to help maintain it.)
Joe has built other restaurants since then, relying on a chef named Mario Batali as a partner. Now he’s a judge on MasterChef, a show created by Gordon Ramsay. He’s accomplished a lot, but a majority of it has happened because other people did the work. His mother, Batali, Ramsay… he’s ridden their coattails to success and fame. Thus, “Joey Coattails.”
With all of that in mind, those thirty seconds of the promo video—the part where he’s not sitting in front of the camera, spouting some bullshit about how awesome the show is going to be—make him seem like an entitled, pretentious little snot with an inferiority complex.
Why inferiority complex? Because that’s typical of bullies. They’re insecure, so they act mean and throw food into the trash in a disdainful manner to make vulnerable people upset. “Did you see that? Did you see how awesome I am, throwing all your hard work into the garbage? And there’s nothing you can do about it!”
Why might Joe have an inferiority complex? Maybe it’s because he’s a judge on MasterChef even though he’s not an actual chef (assuming I could tolerate his presence, we’d probably do a great job making boxed mac ‘n’ cheese together). Maybe it’s because he knows he’s “Joey Coattails”, but given his level of arrogance, he’d probably think that if his mother handed him keys to a giant mansion, she must have owed it to him somehow. Or maybe it’s because he’s compensating for a tiny penis. I don’t know and I really don’t want to think about his junk, so I’m not going to speculate.
Oh, and then there was his dramatic display of tossing a stack of 50s into a frying pan and lighting it on fire. “If you came here just for the cash, then leave now!” Okay, first off… why? What was the point? Was that really supposed to scare people away? And if they came for the cash and didn’t leave, then what? Burn more money? Start lighting contestants on fire? (As a final note, I’d like to know why MasterChef is burning hundreds of dollars that could have been used for something like, oh, I don’t know, feeding people who are fucking hungry!)
But the money wasn’t real. At least it better not have been. If it was, then Joe did something on national television that wasn’t just an act of douchebaggery: he committed a federal offense. According to 18 USC § 333, mutilating national bank obligations (e.g., burning money in a frying pan) “shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than six months, or both.” If it was real money and they threw him in jail, who knows? Maybe his arrogant sense of entitlement would keep other prisoners from making him their bitch. But probably not.
The show might be absolutely wretched. It might be tolerable. It might be halfway decent. The only way to know for sure is to watch it and I’m probably not going to take that chance. When Marie gets voted off the kitchen’s island, I’ll be done. If you want to know why, consider: we’re all part of the television ratings system. When more people watch a show, companies pay more to advertise. When companies pay more to advertise, the show’s profits increase. If more people watch MasterChef, the show’s profits will increase and I don’t want Joey riding my coattails, too.
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I also want to point out that I’m just a friend of Marie’s and this is a single blog post. If it wet your pallet and you want to read more stuff about her and MasterChef, the best place to look is on her website.
In Canada it’s called “Kraft Dinner” not mac’n cheese from a box. Just saying – this is a good post to make Canada-friendly. They LLLLOOOOOOVVVVVE Kraft Dinner. http://www.cbc.ca/archives/categories/lifestyle/food/my-canada-includes-tourtiere/canadians-love-kraft-dinner.html
I refuse to watch this show – Bullying is never okay – it sets a horrific example for our society.
Oh please, actually watch the show and you’ll see it’s hardly bullying. Critique& Criticism is something you should be able to live with when you put your product up for someone better than you to review. Also note that many of these folks gain a lot of respect from the judges, are often complimented, learn and even get offered jobs.
Getting tired of all the “bullying is bad” stuff get far out of hand. Yes in high school bullying is generally a bad thing although can result in some important lessons in life, psyche and coping, but as an adult nobody should have that poor of coping skills to deal with problems such as somebody saying your food doesn’t taste good.
“Better than you?” Did you even read this blog entry? Joe’s not a chef. We know he can overcook cash, but that’s what he does for his restaurants: play with money. Which makes that frying pan display really disconcerting, now that I think of it. But my point is that I can bitch about people’s cooking as much as I want, but that doesn’t make me better than them.
As for critique and criticism, you’re probably right, people should be able to live with it. However, this is reality TV. Given that they had to weed 100 cooks out of everyone who applied, the producers are already saying “Your cooking is amazing.” They say to everyone’s face throughout the process, “Your cooking is amazing.” Build up their confidence, let them know how good the odds are that they’ll go far in the competition.
As soon as the cameras are on, it changes to “I haven’t tasted food this shitty since I was eating leftover slop in prison.” Maybe it’s not bullying, but I imagine it’s a nasty slap in the face.
Actually, as someone who was actually THERE… yes, there was absolutely bullying going on… and it wasn’t even all from the judges. There’s “critique and criticism”, and then there’s… THAT. Hint: There’s a reason that there are only 95 names on the cast list sent to the media, though there were 100 of us.
PS: If you’ve seen the show, you’ve seen the disclaimer that plays at the end of the show. Given that the producers have a say in the judging, no, it’s definitely not a good assumption that people are being “judged” on their cooking by people “better than them”… or even people who even ate their cooking.
What did you expect for reality TV. It’s all about who the audience wants to win a good TV. If you want to be judged on your cooking abilities get a job in a restaurant and stop being naïve.
Sounds like it’s nothing but sour grapes because she didn’t make it onto show.
Holly/Ally: I’m responding to both of your comments at the same time because they were posted seven minutes apart, they came from the same phone’s IP address and the only difference between your email addresses is a “_” in the middle.
First, it doesn’t matter who the audience wanted to win. This isn’t a live reality show, it’s all prerecorded and edited to create whatever narrative the producers want to put on your screen. The home viewers have absolutely no influence on the final outcome.
Second, Marie didn’t care about being judged on her cooking abilities. She knows she’s an excellent chef—she doesn’t need validation from a reality show. Getting exposure in front of a national TV audience to sell more cookbooks that she self-publishes plus a cash prize at the end? That’s some powerful motivation.
Third… sour grapes? I honestly believe it’s better Marie got out of there after they finished filming the first episode. I’m keenly aware of what reality show editors can do to your reputation. I know a number of very nice people who looked like very NOT nice people on the screen and guess how said national TV audience perceived them after that? If they make you look bad, you ain’t sellin’ no cookbooks to nobody.
Honestly, I find it odd that you posted these comments in the first place. Aside from the fact that I wrote this blog post seven years ago, so very few people (if any) will ever see them, they don’t refer to Joey Coattails at all (aka, the “Douche” in the title and the focus of this post). If you want to talk shit about Marie, save your fingers some energy and keep it to yourself.
Jen F:
Joe’s not cool enough to be Canadian.
im one of the top 100 on mc4..this here read was awesome!!
I agree wholeheartedly. I thought the money thing was such a douche move that I Googled “MasterChef douche” to see how many people agreed (which is how I ended up here!). I have literally watched 11 minutes of the season so far and I have said “How pretentious ARE you?” more than once. From arriving via the MC helicopter to burning money (or at least pretending to). . . . I have some affection for Gordon, despite his a-holey tendencies, but gah! Here’s hoping the rest is less annoying. Good luck, Marie!
show was not created by chef gordon ramsay.. this is but one of the factual errors in this “blog,” i realise that blogs are meant to be self-indulgent ranting that generally lack any factual information but it nevertheless is a thorn in my side… i would strongly doubt the veracity of this entire rant, and I would extend that to “friend” Marie Porter as well. shame.
Okay, I’ll grant you that. The show is only co-hosted and co-produced by Gordon Ramsay, which has no bearing on my point about Joe Bastianich being just a judge. He had no part in its creation, so the fact that he’s riding the show creator’s coattails remains unchanged.
That’s one… how many other factual errors did I make? There are plenty of links in here because I did plenty of research, so indulge me. (And why is “friend” in quotation marks? Do you doubt the veracity of my friendship with Marie, too?)