Superstar, Frat Guy, what’s the difference? I’m not sure. I mean, I can see Elvis in either position—he was obviously the King, but he also had a tendency to get smashed on booze, drugs and cheeseburgers. Or maybe it was pizza, in which case all he’d need to do was be enrolled in a college and go on tour instead of attending classes.
So maybe there isn’t a difference, in which case this script seems very appropriate. Even though he’s not the King, The Son might not be that much different. Cheeseburgers and pizza might not have existed during his time, but he definitely spent a lot of time on tour.
Setting: college frat house
Characters:
JESUS
GARY
DICK
NEW KID
BETSY
GARY
Oh man, I’ve been looking forward to this frat party since we started planning last month. It’s gonna be so awesome. I just know we’re gonna get a couple chicks topless tonight. Have we got everything set up?
DICK
Well, we got eight kegs, but if we get the same turnout as last time, that could be gone by 11:30.
GARY
Shit. Have we got anyone that can get more? Oh, hey, where’s the new kid? He’s a recruit, we can send him out if we need to.
DICK
Why him?
GARY
You wanna buy?
DICK
Oh, yeah. Hey, new kid! Get over here!
– [Enter NEW KID and JESUS]
NEW KID
Yeah, what?s up?
GARY
Who the hell is this guy?
NEW KID
Him? Oh, I was driving back from the store after picking up some chips ‘n’ stuff and saw him wandering around on the sidewalk. He said he was looking for a bunch of friends, but he couldn’t remember where they were all having supper.
JESUS
My disciples, yes.
NEW KID
Anyway, he seemed like a pretty cool guy, so I talked him into coming back here. I figured he could be a bartender or something.
DICK
What’s his name?
NEW KID
Um, it was Jesse, wasn’t it?
JESUS
Jesus. Jesus Christ.
GARY
Look, your name’s not important. Since you’re tagging along with the new kid here [smacks NEW KID in the back of the head], you get to go buy more beer when we run out.
JESUS
Why must you take advantage of him so?
DICK
Huh?
GARY
Take advantage of him? What the hell are you talking about?
JESUS
God frowns upon abusing the powerless.
GARY
God frowns upon…? Look, buddy, I don’t care what kind of a religious nut you are, but if you’re trying to piss me off, that’s a good way to do it.
NEW KID
[Hurriedly] Wait, wait! It’s okay! I’m the new kid, I’m supposed to do that stuff. Don’t worry about it.
JESUS
[Sighs] You have made many sacrifices for them, child. Bless you.
DICK
Um, he didn’t sneeze.
GARY
Shut up, Dick. All right, the new kid’s sticking up for you, you can stay, but if you make any trouble, your ass is headed straight back to the curb. Now let’s get ready. [Claps] Hey, everyone, time for some pre-party drinks!
[Later that night]
– [Enter GARY, DICK, BETSY, laughing loudly]
GARY
Holy shit, Betts, thanks for bringing your roommates along. I didn’t think anyone’d be losin’ their clothes this early, but damn!
DICK
Yeah, they were seriously hot. They were just shakin’ it all over the place. That was awesome.
BETSY
Hey, no problem, guys. Glad we could liven up the party. I think the new kid liked it, too.
– [Enter NEW KID, JESUS]
NEW KID
[Stunned] She was rubbing her boobs all over my face. Her boobs on my face. Whoa.
– [JESUS giggles]
JESUS
Yeah, the Lord works in strange ways, all right. I’ve walked on water and given blind men sight before, but that’s the first time I ever wandered around a gathering and healed so many people with syphilis.
DICK
[Claps JESUS on the back] Hey, Jesus, nice work, man! Guess we didn’t have to worry about running short with eight kegs after all, huh?
GARY
Man, I dunno how you turned all the water in the house into beer, but that was really fuckin’ cool. Those guys trying to puke and drink out of the toilet at the same time were pretty nasty, but it was still really fuckin’ cool.
BETSY
[Rubbing up against JESUS] Yeah, where’d you find this guy? Can I keep him?
JESUS
You know, I’m supposed to fight temptation, but why not give it a shot just this once?
– [JESUS dry-heaves; DICK starts laughing]
GARY
Whoa, man! You were hitting the tap pretty hard. Maybe you better sit down and eat something before you spew all over the make-out couch.
JESUS
I’m fine! I’ll just place my hands on my stomach and heal myself. See? I’m fi-
– [JESUS vomits]
DICK
Woo-hoo! Welcome to Barf Central, can I hold your hair, please?
NEW KID
Oh, man. God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… shit, I’m sorry. I shoulda just let you look for your buddies.
JESUS
[Straightens up] I forgive you, kid. You knew not what you were doing.
– [JESUS vomits]
DICK
Yeah! We did a number on him, all right! Mark up another victim on the frat scoreboard!
BETSY
Oh, that’s disgusting. You know, maybe I better leave him here tonight. I’ll just hook up with some other guy.
– [BETSY and GARY start to leave]
GARY
Or maybe you could rip off your shirt and start shakin’ it like your friends. That’d be sweet.
JESUS
[Reaching out] Wait! I want to befoul myself! I don?t want to be a virgin for the rest of my life! Father, why hast thou forsaken me?! You suck!
– [JESUS flicks off the sky and collapses]
DICK
Score! Man, this party rocks !
NEW KID
[Moaning] Jesus Christ….
– [NEW KID runs over and kneels next to JESUS]
NEW KID
Guys, we should probably do something to help him out.
GARY
Maybe next time. Right now, there’s a party going on and I ain’t gonna miss it for anyone, especially not a Bible-thumper we pulled off the street.
BETSY
You mean he’s not a frat guy? You really did pull him off the street? And I was going to bring him back to my place?! Thank God he passed out.
DICK
[Laughing] Yeah, maybe he blows chunks out one end and rains fire out the other!
– [GARY, DICK, BETSY start to leave]
NEW KID
Wait a sec. Guys, I don’t think he’s breathing.
GARY
Oh, let him sleep it off. He should be fine in a couple days. I’m heading back down to the party.
– [Exit GARY]
DICK
Yeah, time to see if those chicks are still giving out boob facial massages.
– [DICK, BETSY start to leave]
BETSY
Does the fraternity normally leave dead people lying around the house?
DICK
It’s not the first time; it probably won’t be the last. Let’s go.
– [Exit DICK, BETSY; NEW KID gapes at them]
