I’m not sure how many of you have played this game before, but when I go to a restaurant that gives out fortune cookies, I always eat the entire cookie first (otherwise, the fortune won’t come true). As many of you may have experienced, some of the fortunes really suck. Really bland, really boring—doesn’t give you much to look forward to in life. However, if you add the words “in bed” to the end, they’re oftentimes more entertaining (and sometimes make more sense). Oh, and don’t ask me why I’ve saved these because I don’t have a good answer. Maybe it’ll say in my next cookie.
Lotus are red, lillies are blue, love in bushels will soon come to you. (Midgets might fit into bushels…)
Good fortune in love as well as a better position. (I’ll find the right partner and the right thing to do with her! Sweet!)
The best mirror is a good friend. (Especially when it’s the one hanging over the bed.)
Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. (I won a drawing to be the first guy in the world’s biggest gangbang!)
All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. (IRS audit? Eh, who cares? I need to go clean up.)
Your mate in life will bring you luck and be your guiding star. (If she says we’re going to do it in a beanbag, then by God, we’ll do it in a beanbag!)
Your mind is filled with ideas—make use of them. (Okay, twist around this way just a little bit… now move your leg to the right… put your hand there… oh, yeah, that’s it…)
You have an unusual understanding of the problems of others. (Others! Others! I don’t suffer from erectile dysfunction!)
You are what you think about. (I’m boobies!)
You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. (I think this has something to do with my regular visits to the local brothel, I dunno. And I’m not kidding—I’ve found this in a fortune cookie twice.)
And finally, no “in bed” required: Consider a life in the clergy (and how unsuited you are for it). (Word.)
