Season 5, Episode 1: Not the “digits” again…

I went online and was able to watch Episode 1 here (click on “video”), which had its upsides and downsides. The upside is that I can write a recap. The downside… I’ll get to that later.

The intro only had a handful of three-second clips from Season 4? My final claim to fame with Beauty and the Geek—walking through the curtain with my new makeover—is gone? Damn.

Technically, this is Season 4b of Beauty and the Geek because it’s playing during the same TV season as the previous one and the clips on the website say it’s the 4th season (starting with 414 versus 501). However, calling it “Season 4b” would confuse a lot of people (me especially), so I’ll stick with the idea that since it’s the fifth run of the show, it’s Season 5.

When the “Beauty Plane” landed, I immediately thought of Hooters Air. That’s right, Hooters had an airline for about three years and I bet the stewardesses and the beauties exiting the plane looked pretty similar. Different outfits, maybe, but pretty similar.

I think Greggy is this season’s version of Richard. He seems the most awkward of the group (especially given his “Gaysian” status) and the girls fell madly in love with him almost immediately. The only difference is that he’s cute and polite versus running down that dark road toward Attention Whore Alley. Thankfully, there were only girls in the room when he burst into tears about being the only artistic geek there or he might have had Matt (“The Poet”) crying right along with him. And they don’t have Ben & Jerry’s in the mansion.

As the girls were showing off their make-unders before heading into the club, I could hear geeks around the world crying out, “You feel awkward and self-conscious? Welcome to our world, bitches!”

Regardless of their appearance, the girls still had the advantage of being used to talking to cute guys in a club and interacting with all the people there. My preference has always been smaller settings with fewer people—that preference was even more prevalent before being on the show—so my natural instinct would still have been to stand in the corner and poop in my pants.

Was it Kristina who was feeling self-conscious about guys looking at the fake acne on her face? Maybe it’s because with her make-under and frumpy clothes, they were looking her in the eyes instead of staring at her boobs. She might not be used to that.

Before pointing fingers at Amber and Randi for being immature and obnoxious (“Oompa-loompa!” “Fatty!” “Drag queen!”), don’t forget that the other girls in the room were loving it! And I will bet you a million bajillion Canadian dollars (they’re worth more than American nowadays) that the guys never got into a shouting match like that (“Square!” “Four-eyes!” “Party fouler!”).

Wait a sec… Chris has a girlfriend?! When did that become acceptable? The flyer the guys got for Season 1 said that to participate, we had to be “21-32 years old, smart and single.” As in “not be in a relationship.” Stupid producers relaxing their standards…

They picked Jonathan… who’s Jonathan? Oh, a guy we’ve seen on camera twice so far! You think he might be on the show for another episode or two? Or three or four or all of them?

When John almost keeled over behind the podiums, I had a horrible flashback to being on the hilltop with an oxygen tube in my nose. “Do you need us to get a helicopter on the roof to fly you to the hospital?”

In the elimination room, I bet the producers thought they were being crafty by silencing the last two numbers in the girl’s digits. I have some bad news. The prefix 555 in any area code doesn’t exist. TV shows, movies and commercials with a phone number will either start with 555 or be 867-53-oh-ni-ee-i-ine. Plus any good lip reader would have known which numbers the girl and Tommy said—I think it was “99”, but I could be wrong.

If the guys watched the Aftermath for Season 1, they should have known that the best opening line is “Hi” (as revealed by yours truly). Sadly, I don’t think I’ve used that word as a pick-up line ever since.
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Here’s the downside I alluded to earlier—I got to watch an additional portion of John’s exit interview and I’m going to listen to it a couple more times to make sure I quote him correctly: “The Beauty vs. Geek dynamic really created more camaraderie in us and a closeness that wasn’t there in previous seasons because I didn’t just have one beauty—I had ’em all.”

Here’s my response that should take less effort to quote: “You pretentious little cocksucker.” You know what the difference in the dynamic is? Beauties vs. Geeks! That’s all!

I can only speak for Season 1, but I’m pretty sure this has been the case whenever beauties and geeks have roamed the halls of that mansion: We didn’t hang out with only our partners. Scarlet and I wouldn’t wander around by ourselves and then suddenly, “Oh shit, it’s Joe and Erika! Run!” We all interacted with each other, helped each other, studied together and worked together to become better people.

If anything, this new dynamic isolates the geeks from the beauties more than before. It was generally a collective effort amongst all of us, geeks and beauties alike; we didn’t avoid the girls and huddle up together to improve our odds for victory. I guess I missed out on having a hot chick with big boobs sit in my lap, trying to manipulate me into helping her get the money, but I think our dynamic turned out just fine. So there, punk!