What are the three things you look for?

I’m not sure why this popped back into my head earlier today, but I was thinking back to Beauty and the Geek when everyone was sitting around the hot tub talking about three things we look for in a boy/girlfriend. (Preferably one or the other and not a transsexual.) On TV, the girls were saying “trustworthy” and “spontaneous” over and over again, but didn’t show the guys’ answers. When it was my turn, here’s what I had to say:

First off, she needs to have a good sense of humor. I love to laugh and the world gives us plenty of things to laugh at. If I’m the only person in the room who’s giggling, chuckling or possibly even guffawing at a joke… that can spoil an evening pretty quick.

My second item: “I want her to be as dumb as a brick!” That’s what I said. That’s not really what I meant, of course… or at least that’s what I’m telling you. I explained that I want the girl to have some degree of intelligence. I don’t need her to be a genius, but I don’t want to worry about talking over her head all the time:

“She should have some degree of intelligence.”
“You mean, like, Fahrenheit and Celsius?”
“Check, please!”

I guess this isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it bugs me from time to time when I can’t remember what my third choice was. I might have said “big boobs” as another joke, but I’m pretty sure it didn’t involve appearance… at least I hope it didn’t. I don’t think of myself as overly superficial, but like a lot of things, I could be wrong. In any case, what I’ve decided is that another important thing for me is a certain level of maturity. It’s one thing to act goofy from time to time—I enjoy acting goofy from time to time—but there are limits.

I met a girl at a friend’s birthday party last year and a bunch of us went out dancing afterwards. We were having fun, but some people had cameras and they were taking pictures. Whenever they had a camera pointed in her direction, she made gangsta hand signs. Every fucking time. I would have loved to get a picture with the two of us, but not one like that. (I gave her a hug at the end of the night, but didn’t bother asking for her phone number.)

The same thing has happened in class over the course of the last couple months. There were times when I’d be sitting next to some girl who was in grade school when I graduated from college the first time and she would spend the entire hour making a concerted effort to not pay attention.

Got a cell phone? “Shhhhh, I’m texting someone!”
Got a laptop? “Facebook, here I come!”
Got a place to rest your head? “Zzzzzzzz…”

Maybe this echoes of the Celsius of intelligence, but caring just enough to score a 36% on a big test says something about your priorities and that something isn’t good. You gotta take some things seriously, kids, and learning should be one of those things. And I’m not talking about the newest gossip regarding Bennifer or Brangelina. (Please don’t ask me how I know those names… I’m not sure and I don’t want to know.)

So I guess those are the three biggies for me: sense of humor, some smarts and some maturity. Other things are important, of course, but if you’re lacking any of these three, I won’t expect to hear you laughing while you’re wearing the padded helmet that keeps you from hurting yourself. (Although if it’s buoyant, it might save you from drowning in a hot tub.)