“Okay, the first rule is that you have to have a cool name that strikes fear into the hearts of the bad guys. Ummm…. Okay, how’s this sound? Negascrot! That’s scary, isn’t it?”
“What are you talking about? People aren’t going to be scared of that name? It’s like saying, ‘Hey, I’m a superhero, but I don’t have any testicles! You can kick me in the groin and I won’t flinch!’ That’s not the kind of image I want.”
“No, you don’t understand! The connotations of the name have very little to do with your actual superhero-ness. I mean, c’mon, what does ‘Plastic Man’ or ‘Ant Man’ bring to mind? So those sound like scary names? It’s just the way that you say them that counts! If it flows off the tongue well when a criminal looks up into the air and sees you on a building top and cries out, ‘Oh no, it’s Whatever-your-name-is,’ then it’s a good name! Trust me, it sounds great. Listen! ‘Oh no, it’s Negascrot!’ You can’t tell me that doesn’t flow off the tongue.”
“Well, okay, maybe it does flow a little, but I still don’t like it. I mean, what does that have to do with my superpowers? Nothing! What would people think of someone like ‘The Riddler’ if he just had super strength, never told any riddles at all? He’d just punch them until they fell down.”
“Exactly! He’d just punch them until they fell down! After that, if anyone tried making fun of ‘The Riddler,’ they’d think of the twelve guys that he put in the hospital the first time they made fun of his name. The name makes no difference as long as you can beat up the bad guys in the end. I’m sure that someone would take the name ‘Gerbil Molester Man’ if he wouldn’t be banned from pet stores everywhere….”
“You have got to be kidding me.”
“No, I’m serious! I was talking to a guy the other day, and he said that some hero called ‘Masochist Man’ just got into a fight down on Broadway and 5th. He let the bad guys beat the snot out of him, then said ‘Thank you,’ smiled and pummeled them until they near-about died. Personally, I think he should change it to ‘Sadist-Masochist Man’ if he’s going to actually win fights, but hey, I’m not gonna make fun of his name…. Just trust me on this one, a cool-sounding name like ‘Negascrot’ is just what you need.”
“Okay, so I call myself ‘Negascrot.’ Then what do I do after that?”
“Well, you’ll probably have to tighten up your spandex uniform in the front, just to show them all that you really are Negascrot. I mean, who would believe that some guy packing a 9-inch schlong was Negascrot? He’s got one, they can see it right through the spandex!”
“Why?! That’ll hurt a lot! I’ll have to run around, jumping from building to building and beat people up with my nuts imbedded in my intestinal tract!”
“Hey, you’re a superhero. You’ve gotta learn to live with pain. Besides, you definitely won’t need to worry about women like Lois Lane, who always get in trouble, just so you can save them. It’s a bad scene, man.”
“Well, I thought that was one of the perks of the deal. You get lots of beautiful damsels in distress to save, who lavish attention on you for the rest of your life.”
“Oh, get outta here! You think you can support a relationship in your spandex and still live an everyday life? It’ll never happen. You need to have Negascrot put in a good word for your real identity every once in a while to the damsels so that you can get to know them.”
“Ooh, that sounds like a good idea. Then I can hang out with them anytime.”
“Except when there’s trouble, in which case you’ll have to ditch your date in order to go help out whoever needs it. Face it, man, a hero’s life does not have room for long-term relationships.”
“Aw, poop.”
“Tell me about it. Okay, so you got the cool name, you got the fixed-up spandex, what else do we need for you?”
“Ooh, ooh! I know! I know! I need a trusty sidekick! Just think: Batman and Robin, Lone Ranger and Tonto, Abbott and Costello! That’ll strike even more fear into the hearts of criminals everywhere.”
“A sidekick?! Don’t make me laugh. Do you know how much trouble sidekicks get into? They have their own pre-pubescent lives to lead while trying to work their superheroing into their schedule. I mean, it’s just not as scary when you have a hero who’s voice cracks because he’s going through puberty!”
“Well, who says it has to be a young guy? Tonto wasn’t young. And he could ride a horse, too. I wish I could ride a horse.”
“You can ride a horse, especially if you’ve got your scrotum pulled up into your abdominal cavity. Go bareback, what the hell. But I still think the sidekick thing is a bad idea. You’ll just have one more person to work with, and if he can’t go out to help you save the world for some reason or another, then you just can’t go out by yourself. Besides, he might look better than you in spandex, and if you want to attract women for one-night stands….”
“I still don’t like the idea that I can’t have a woman!”
“Look at it this way. If you have a woman who’s attracted to you as a superhero, her life will always be in danger because everyone will know that she’s your weak link–she doesn’t have any super powers. As for your street persona, well, how do you think that’ll stand up to your superhero self? You have to make yourself look like a wimp all the time, just to increase the difference between the two of you.. It just can’t pan out well. The most you’ll be able to handle is real trivial relationships that mean nothing to either of you.”
“Oh, fine.”
“It’s not like that’s the only fun you get to have. You get to beat people up! That’s the whole point of being a superhero!”
“Well, what about helping other people and doing good deeds?”
“Yeah, okay, that’s the job for ‘Captain Boy Scout,’ but you’re ‘Negascrot!’ You can’t be worried about that! It’ll pull your focus away from the task at hand: punishing the bad guys and putting them in the emergency ward.”
“What if I kill somebody?”
“Bonus points!”
“What?!”
“Hey, whoa, I’m just kidding. You don’t have to look at it as bonus points if you don’t want to, it’s optional. Just consider breaking a few bones here and there to make sure that bad guys’ll have scars to look at before committing their next crime, knowing that Negascrot could be right around the corner, lurking, observing his prey, waiting for just the right moment to snap his legs in four places this time….”
“That sounds really brutal.”
“Oh, it is, it is. But you have to be brutal! That’s the only way to make a criminal care these days! Sure, ‘The Judge’ goes around, slapping bad guys on the back of the wrist, occasionally making a bruise, but nobody respects him. They all laugh it up whenever he walks by. Although I notice that no one points when he’s too close….”
“So a slap on the wrist is bad.”
“Well, it’s not as long as it’s combined with a slap just about everywhere else on his body. And you might want to consider squeezing his testes until his eyes pop out.”
“Eeewww, gross.”
“You don’t have to do it! Just consider it if the person has been really bad. Do it because you’re in constant pain because of your own infirmity.”
“Oh, you mean my….”
“Exactly. If you can’t have a scrotum that hangs down at a decent distance from the body, none of the bad guys should have one, either. After all, you’re the good guy. You’re helping people out by beating the living shit out of bad guys! You deserve a few perks now and then.”
“Well, I guess that makes sense.”
“Of course it does! That’s the whole point! As a superhero, you get to make your own rules! You can abuse anyone you want! It’s best when those people are bad guys, because the citizens of the town are less likely to get in a huff when people get sent to the emergency ward, but it’s all up to your discretion.”
“Speaking of a town, where should I work? I mean, I can’t just pick any old city. It needs to have a ring to it.”
“How about Pig’s Eye, Wisconsin?”
“Umm, I don’t think so.”
“Joe, Montana?”
“Isn’t that a little small for a superhero?”
“Smallpox, Alaska? You won’t need to worry about making the costume adjustment up there. It comes naturally.”
“Too chilly. Spandex isn’t a very warm material.”
“How about Genital Herpes, Alabama?”
“No.”
“Okay, here’s one. Truth or Consequences, New Mexico.”
“That’s the name of a town?”
“That’s what it says on the map. Think about it. Negascrot, working in New Mexico. Maybe they could call the police ‘Truth’ and you ‘Consequences.’ That way, the criminals would have to deal with whoever gets to the crime scene first.”
“That does have a kind of ring to it.”
“Okay, we got the name, we got the social status (although you may have to find a newspaper to work at down there. All good alter-egos have to work at one), we got the spandex, we got the location. Can you think of anything else at all?”
“Um, well…. No.”
“How about your superpowers?”
“Oh yeah. I forgot. It’s a simple thing, really. Nothing important. Maybe I should just forget about this whole superhero business….”
“Oh, come on! It can’t be that bad! ‘Urinary Tract Infection Boy’ shoots flames out of his dick when he takes a whizz. It’s not a very impressive power, but the chicks really dig the outfit we found for him….”
“He gets a lot of women?”
“Oh yeah. Tons. Just as long as he leaves right after he finishes with ‘em. You know how after a guy is done, he really needs to take a leak? Well, let’s just say porcelain doesn’t hold up very efficiently against high temperatures.”
“What do you mean?”
“He’s left a few melted toilets around the city. Of course, that’s nothing compared to ‘Explosive Diarrhea Man’ or ‘Projectile Leprosy Man.’ Those are some classic cases of heroes who never get the girl.”
“Wow. I guess I don’t feel so bad any more. So you really want to know what my power is?”
“Hey, we can’t work without it.”
“Well, okay. Here it is. I can spontaneously combust.”
“Really. That’s all? You burst into flames?”
“Yep.”
“What happens after that?”
“I turn into a pile of ashes.”
“How many times have you used this power before?”
“Um, never, really.”
“How the hell do you know that you have a superpower in the first place?!”
“Well, I just know!”
“Okay, fine. You spontaneously combust. Nothing more? That’s the whole bill of goods right there?!”
“Yeah. I thought you said it didn’t matter what my powers were.”
“Well, that was before I knew you couldn’t use them against the bad guys!!”
“So, are you saying that I can’t be a superhero?”
“Well, unless you have super strength or super flexibility or super anything, how do you plan on fighting against the forces of evil?!”
“That’s why I came to talk to you! I thought that if you built up my image enough, I would never have to use my powers. I could just jump out from around a corner, people would recognize me and give up instantly so I wouldn’t have to do anything at all. I mean, the way you talk about it, I might want to beat people up once in a while, but I don’t know if I’m any good at that, so I just thought….”
“Oh, great. I’m supposed to build up the image of a guy who can’t do a goddamn thing. That’s just great. What do you want me to tell bad guys? ‘Don’t mess with him? I don’t know why, just don’t? And when I see you next, I’ll say I told you so?’ Is that what you want me to tell them?”
“If that’s what it takes to strike fear into their hearts….”
“You don’t get it, do you? There needs to be a reason why people should fear you. If you can’t use your powers for anything, you’re a pedestrian! End of story.”
“Oh, please!”
“No. Can’t be done. I won’t represent you.”
“Fine. You want to see how my powers work? I’ll show you!”
“Hey! What are you doing?! Let go of me!!”
“You wanted to see how this would work, I’m showing you! Time to light up the night! Hey, bad guys, this is why you should fear the power of Negascrot!!!”
WHOOSH!!!
“You know, if I wasn’t dead right now, I’d tell all the bad guys about how that process hurts like hell….”
“Tell me about it.”
