hope everyone’s having a wonderful 4th of july. i’m having a great time celebrating except for the time i spent in the emergency room. sure, my parents told me not to play with matches or fireworks or anything, but who listens to their parents when they’re 28 years old.
so i was out on the lawn, lighting random stuff off, watching it blow up, making loud noises, setting small woodland creatures on fire—good times. but then one of them wouldn’t go off. the fuse shriveled down to nothing, then ‘pffft.’ nada. diddly-squat. ‘what the hell was that about,’ i thought. i paid good money for that whiz-popper banger thingie and i was gonna make sure it went whiz-pop-bang, dammit.
i decided to grab it and take a look at the bottom where the whiz-pop-bang should have started—i never made it that far. i got it to about nipple-level—thank god it wasn’t real close to my chest, ‘cause i’ve heard that singed chest hair smells really nasty… but like i said, i was lifting it up and KA-BLOOIE [HEY, COOL, CAPS LOCK]. the whiz-pop-bang started while it was in my hand and lemme tell ya, it stung a little.
so now i’m back at home in one piece. relatively speaking. i’ve got about 2 ½ … wait. 3 ½ fingers left. it’s hard to count when you don’t have any fingers to count on. i remember the good ol’ days when i could get to 10 without taking off my shoes… anyway, things aren’t quite as fun without any fingers—while driving home from the hospital, i tried flipping someone the bird and ended up kinda flopping my ring finger towards him instead. that was pretty lame, so i went and smashed his car into the median.
i want to make sure i’m done writing this soon in case the police find me, but i have to say, typing with your nose is a veeeery slow process. along those lines, i don’t think i’ll be sharing my love with you guys on tv anytime soon—i don’t have enough leverage to get real deep into my nostrils for any decent quality boogers. 2 ½ … no, 3 ½ fingers do that to a guy.
again, i hope you’re all enjoying yourselves today. i’ll probably be joining you in a little while—i just need to find a way to get this gooey stuff off my keyboard…
