This is something that’s been bothering me the last few days. Looking back at what I wrote, it just doesn’t flow very well. I like being able to create a smooth narrative that’s easy to follow and… it doesn’t. I think it’s because the more I thought about it, the more clear it became that I basically smooshed two blog posts together into one.
The message in the first part? It doesn’t really require me. What I want remembered about me are my relationships to family and friends. I’d like to have a positive impact on the world, but those are the people who are most important to me. As for the quote from Beauty and the Geek… I don’t matter. People don’t have to remember me, but I want the message to have an impact on people’s lives. “Aside from their appearance, they’re really not that much different than I am.” Attribute that to whomever you want—if it turns out that Abraham Lincoln said it first because everything you read on the Internet is true, that’s fine. I don’t care about my part in the equation. You don’t have to remember me, but try to remember that if you look past superficial details, we’re all a lot alike.
Then there was the story at the gas station, which was an interesting experience. A woman in the car had gone into the gas station first (the model’s friend who’d been driving, maybe?) and prompted the guy behind the counter to announce that donuts were on sale. That’s right, it wasn’t cookies, it was donuts. Either way, I’m sure it was still a nice change from egg whites. But I was still talking about how you never know when you might need donuts without looking around and had no idea who belonged to the voice on the other side of the gas pump.
When she appeared around the corner and said she’d been in the fitness competition, she flexed her arm with no prompting from me. I didn’t want to embarrass myself by trying to return the favor. I have wussy-looking arms in comparison. But as she talked about how it was a Miss Minnesota competition and how she placed fifth, I told her that was cool because it was.
The fact that she was in front of the counter when I got in the station was probably a good thing: I wanted to make sure I said “Congratulations” instead of just “That’s cool” (plus cheer about her buying donuts), so I didn’t have time to wander to the back of the station and grab something to eat or drink. A thing that wasn’t good is that because she was an attractive model, a part of my brain said that I shouldn’t pay too much attention to her because I didn’t want to seem like I was fawning over her or something. Thus, when I was in line and heard her say she achieved her goal, I didn’t turn to ask what it was. Top ten? Top five? I don’t know and I feel kinda bad about that.
After all, it was a conversation. She wasn’t preening or puffing out her chest… hmmm… perhaps that’s not the best analogy to use for a fitness model. But it wasn’t like she was saying, “Yeah, screw the other competitors, I’m fucking awesome!” She was proud about placing really high in a Miss Minnesota competition and wanted to tell me about it, but I was trying to be all non-sexist and ignore the fact that she was really attractive, thus completely forgetting about what I said on TV. I didn’t put her on a pedestal and marvel like I might have in the past, but I also didn’t react like I’d want someone else to if I told a story like hers.
Miss Minnesota. Fifth place. She achieved her goal. That’s HUGE. I’d want to talk about it, too, but I stopped listening at the end. I’m proud of myself because I didn’t stare or drool or anything like that, but bailing on the conversation before it was over? Not as proud.
So like I said, two separate blog posts with two different conclusions: I want people to remember the message more than they remember me, but I need to remember the message myself as well.
