There’s nothing wrong with telling the IRS that you gave money to good causes like Boy Scouts of America, ASPCA, Booger-Eaters Anonymous… whatever floats your boat. (I can’t say I’ve ever collected enough boogers to see if they could keep a boat on their surface, but stay with me here.) There are also groups that want stuff other than money, including Habitat for Humanity, Goodwill, Booger-Eaters Anonymous… maybe the members run out of their own once in a while, I dunno. But there’s one company that doesn’t fit into either of those categories: Cryogenic Laboratories, Inc.
I got a letter from them a while back asking me to donate “gametes.” For those of you who don’t know what those are—I had to look it up in the dictionary, too—they’re an essential element of spooge. These people want to pay me money to jerk off. Boy, when opportunity knocks on my door, it’s looking to pound it off the hinges. Since I don’t want to hoard the amusement for myself, here’s the letter with an added bonus: commentary by yours truly. And before you start asking, no, I haven’t been honing my donation technique and the keys on my keyboard aren’t sticky while I type this.
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Cryogenic Laboratories, Inc.
A Genetics & IVF Institute Cryobank
Dear Sir:
We apologize for the intrusion of this mailing, which has been targeted at professionals and graduate students via a mass mailing list. Please disregard this letter if it offends you in any way. Cryogenic Laboratories, Inc., a Genetics & IVF Institute Cryobank, is looking for healthy, college educated, ethnically diverse men between the ages of 18 and 39 to assist infertile couples by becoming anonymous sperm donors. With some of the most extensive experience in the world, Cryogenic Laboratories has been helping couples have healthy babies since 1986. The service you can provide as a sperm donor is significant and greatly appreciated.
First off, I want to know where the hell this mass mailing list came from (no pun intended). I’m not a “professional” yet, but I graduated from William Mitchell… did law school sell me up the river? There are a limited number of groups that know I’m “smart”: MENSA (some members are truck drivers and garbage collectors, so that’s not likely); Billy Mitchell (if they’re responsible, Cryogenic Labs just provided me with a really great idea for what to give school when they ask for donations next year); and the WB. They already know that their potential “geeks” fit within that target group, but I just can’t see that network promoting this kind of program. Therefore, by process of elimination… man, law school sucks. As for disregarding the letter because it’s offensive, well, I’m sharing it with you ‘cause I think it’s fuckin’ funny.
There is truly an urgent need for donors who are willing to assist those who are desperate to have children but unable to do so without the generosity of gamete donation. We are committed to the inception of healthy babies and appreciate your consideration in making such a vital contribution to the lives of infertile couples. We genuinely hope you will consider becoming part of this rewarding program. While most of our donors choose to remain anonymous, we do offer a separate Identity Release program called Future Connections, where the adult offspring have the option of requesting identity information about their donor.
I’m not sure just how rewarding it’d be—after all, all I’d be doing is coming in (again, no pun intended) and blowing my load into a test tube. How will I find out whether anything came of my efforts? (I swear to God, I’m not adding those terms just because I think they’re funny. I’m not deleting them, either, but it’s just what comes out while I’m writing… shit.) But the only way I’d know if it was worthwhile is to sign up for Future Connections, then have someone knock on my front door in about 19 years and say, “Hi, I’m a product of your jizz.” It’d be a heartwarming moment to cherish forever, don’t you think?
If accepted into the semen donor program, you will be compensated for each acceptable specimen you produce. Current donors in the program are earning an average of $200.00 per specimen. Success in this program will be determined by your own sperm quality and commitment to the program. Total monthly compensation from sperm donation can exceed $2000. As you can imagine, this program is not available to everyone. There is an extensive screening process that begins with the completion of an online application available at www.123donate.com. After we review your application you may be contacted to schedule an interview at which time we will review your application together, discuss the program in its entirety, and answer any questions you have. Following the interview and initial sperm analysis, you will need to schedule appointments to complete the subsequent sperm analyses and medical testing.
If $200 is an average amount, I wonder what the high and low ends of the spectrum are. “Thanks for taking care of business today. Here’s five bucks—go get yourself a Whopper and some vitamin E.” I gotta say, though, if I got involved in a program like this, I would be so committed that I could develop calluses in very inappropriate areas.
Sperm quality…can’t make any guarantees. However, I did find some old report cards from a swim instructor saying that I passed all the requirements for a certain level, but she wouldn’t let me advance because I was too young. Thus, if my gametes follow their donor’s example, there could be millions of little Shawns running around across the nation in just a few short weeks.
This program requires a six-month commitment and each donor is expected to produce one specimen per week on site. We are conveniently located in Roseville, MN near Highway 36, between 35E and 35W. If you are interested in making a difference by becoming an anonymous donor, please visit www.123donate.com to complete the application online or for additional information. For inquiries please contact CRYOGENIC LABORATORIES, INC. at (651) 489-0420 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting (651) 489-0420 end_of_the_skype_highlighting or E-mail us at donors@cryolab.com.
Only six months?! Damn—I figured that’d make a great full-time job. As for the on-site requirement, well, at least it’ll prevent any “drug scandals.” You know: pay someone a couple bucks to bust a nut, then bring his sample to the lab, pass Go and collect your $200. (Of course you know—I’m sure you’ve done it before, too.)
Seriously, though, the whole process weirds me out. Think about it. You’re getting sent to a back room to get yourself off. I’m pretty sure they have various items to help the “donation process,” but you don’t know how many people have used them before. And what if there’s another guy in a nearby room who has trouble… keeping quiet while he’s getting it on with Rosie Palm and her five sisters? Or what if they have cameras in the room to avoid those drug scandals I was talking about? Maybe Paris Hilton didn’t enjoy having her sex tape spread all over the Internet, but at least there was another person involved. If there was a video of me spanking the monkey / choking the chicken / churning the love butter… watching that’d be the most embarrassing three minutes of my life. Five! Most embarrassing five minutes of my life! (Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!)
Oh, and by the way, if you send an application to the lab, become a donor, some infertile family decides you’re a good choice and they end up having stupid and/or ugly kids, you didn’t get the contact information from me.
We thank you for your consideration and apologize if this mailing has reached you in error.
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And that’s how I was solicited for sperm. Will I join the program? I doubt it. Not only would I not get a tax rebate, but I’d have to report it to the IRS, include it on any job application that asks about past employment and, worst of all, my friends and family would eventually find out about it:
“Hey Shawn, what are you doing for work these days?”
“I whack off.”
“I can’t believe I just shook hands with you.”
So maybe it’s best that there won’t be millions of little Shawns running around across the nation. At least then they wouldn’t have to worry about attending William Mitchell and “incidentally” have their names end up on a “smart person” mass mailing list.
