By Shawn Bakken, Reporter
Just when people start to think that philosophical thought has become stagnant and nothing remains to be discovered, something occurs similar to a recent development in the Kenyon Philosophy Department. In accordance with several collective incidents and plenty of thought on the matter, the faculty members have reached a general consensus that they do not exist.
Needless to say, the college community was stunned by the news. Several people have jumped to their deaths off the newly redesigned Rosse Hall. Some students have locked themselves in their rooms and refuse to leave for any purpose, to which ARA members have expressed extreme delight because this effect was not their fault. These days, it is unusual to walk down Middle Path without witnessing incidents of people repeatedly banging their heads against the lampposts.
The philosophy professors were surprised when told of the effects of their new revelation. Ron McLaren explained, “I’m just so used to the students not paying attention in class, I didn’t think they’d care if we told them about how we don’t exist. This is all just really shocking. Ethically, I sometimes start to feel guilty about those students who killed themselves, but then I remember that I don’t exist, and then the feeling goes away.”
“Everyone looks like I just beat them at ping pong,” added Joel Richeimer.
With all of the trouble that these revelations have caused, many people at the college still wonder exactly how the professors came to such a conclusion. “Sure, they seem a little wacky at times, but this is ridiculous,” claimed one student who wished to remain anonymous in fear that the non-existence would somehow absorb him as well.
Andy Pessin tried to clarify the situation as straightforwardly as possible in a written statement that follows:
“The field of epistemology revolves around how we can know things. As human beings, we absorb information through our senses and normally take these sensory inputs for granted. We feel the chair beneath us and believe that it exists and will continue existing instead of disappearing and causing us to fall down onto our butts. But what do we have to confirm that our senses are correct? We rely on our inner faculties: “The chair exists because I’m sitting on it and I believe it exists.” But what do we have to confirm the correctness of our inner faculties? Nothing. It’s a recursive operation, dependent on itself, that rarely comes into question, but several incidents occurred last week which changed the way that the philosophy faculty members consider our sensory inputs and internal faculties.
“We all held a departmental meeting in order to determine how much more difficult we could make the major for upcoming undergraduates. In an effort to lighten the mood, I shot a spitball at Ron. He never saw it coming and didn’t react when it splattered all over his forehead. Ulf [Nilsson] and I laughed for a minute, but he still acted as if nothing had happened. I stared at him and he asked me why I was giving him such a funny look. I explained that there was a wad of spit and paper stuck to his forehead and he insisted there was no such thing. He rubbed his hand over the blob and looked at his reflection in the mirror, but refused to confirm its existence. Even worse, several others without their glasses on admitted that they could see no spitball.
“If that alone were the case, we may have only questioned the existence of the spitball. However, there have been other incidents. We have been walking down the Kokosing Trail and observed the beauty of the scenery. Then Juan [DePascuale] mentioned how brilliantly green the leaves appeared. Several of us agreed, while the other insisted that the leaves were blue. Upon observing various green and blue objects, there was a consistent split of opinion as to the greenness or blueness of the objects. We then stopped to ponder the situation, take off our yellow-tinted sunglasses, and dip our feet into the Kokosing River. Once again, we had a difference of opinion as to whether the water was extremely cool or absolutely frigid. I started insisting that something was very wrong here and that our understanding of the universe around us was becoming less solid every moment. Then Ron remembered the spitball incident and started dunking me under the water.
“After thinking over the matters at hand very deeply, we have all come to the conclusion that we can no longer trust our senses as absolutely true. Though our first instinct is to take them for granted, it no longer seems correct to do so. Our internal faculties confirm that our senses are correct, so we can no longer take them for granted, either. Our internal faculties are also responsible for confirming the fact that we exist: “I think, therefore I am.” If we cannot trust our own thinking, there is no reason to trust the fact that we exist. Thus, unless a new discovery or development in the field of epistemology arises that can rebuke these findings, our only recourse is to believe that we do not exist.”
When pressed for his personal feelings on the matter, Nilsson admitted, “This isn’t really my field of study. I’m mostly into Hegel and Nietzsche myself. Still, the arguments the guys are making are pretty convincing and I don’t have anything to hold up against it. I guess that, when you get down to it, I’m about 85% sure that I don’t exist.”
This reporter tried to get comments from DePascuale, but before the discussion got to the question of his non-existence, his physical form began fading around the edges, his words started to blend together, and a funny-looking squid tried to goose him. Then everything went black. DePascuale then reportedly exited the building and walked across the street to another bar to “find someone to drink with who isn’t such a lightweight.”
This reporter would also like to add that he hopes none of the faculty members will take offense at this article, as he does not wish to be absorbed into the non-existence, either. He also hopes that they will take pity on him and not ask him to take off his sunglasses inside or speak too loudly for the next few days.
